Love Is Sweeter Than Betrayal
by whilewewereyetsinners
Summary: Edward never lived with Carlisle, and doesn't know there's any option besides human blood. Living this drastically different life, what will he do when he comes across Bella? AU/Vamps Rated M for creepy vampire antics and a non-detailed lemon.
1. Betrayal

1\. Betrayal

.

Some say that adrenaline makes blood sweeter, more pleasurable to drink. Over many years, I experimented with this idea, perfecting the chase, the hunt; unsettling my prey until they almost anticipated my approach. Stalking them, you might say. And it did seem that there was a quantifiable difference in blood that had been filled with adrenaline over a period of time rather than merely in one burst at the end. While the type of hunt I was doing was very time-consuming, it seemed worth it to ensure a more pleasurable experience for myself. What else was I to do with eternity stretching out before me?

So, for quite some time I hunted this way, mingling with humans until I found a female with a tempting scent, following her home and watching her through her windows, until she would shiver and draw the curtains. Moving things around in her house, opening drawers, closing doors. Shadowing her steps as she went about her day. I would back off from time to time, never letting her get truly afraid, as, despite what I am, I don't enjoy creating terror. Sometimes, building the proper level of unease would take months. I was indifferent about who I drank during the waiting period; they were only the means to sate my thirst while I prepared my more important prey.

I never wanted to be too thirsty when I finally took her. Pleasure should never be rushed.

And it was indeed deliciously pleasurable. The memory of the slow drags of adrenaline-sweetened blood sustained me while I readied my newest delicacy. It made the waiting worthwhile. I thought I had found the perfect way to feed.

I was wrong.

I discovered this only by sheerest chance. One night many years ago, I realized I was not alone in following my latest prey. It was dark and she was making her way home. I was following from a distance; I didn't want her to be aware I was following, I merely wanted to see her reaction when she realized that her door was unlocked. Would she realize that she had locked it when she left home or would she doubt? A man was walking behind her; over the course of two blocks he closed the distance and dragged her into an alley.

Naturally, I was enraged. How dare he attempt to steal what was mine?

I followed them into the alley, tearing him away from her far more easily than he had torn open her blouse, and sank my teeth into his neck, quickly sucking down his alcohol-laden blood. He was not worth lingering over, I just wanted him dead. I threw his drained body away from me in disgust, hearing his bones break as he hit the wall, then realized with some surprise that the girl was still there. I had assumed that as soon as I freed her she would flee. Surely that was the rational thing to do? I knew I couldn't allow her to leave after what she had just seen, and it angered me that all the time and effort I had invested in her was wasted. She was not yet properly prepared for me, but as I had no choice I grudgingly stepped closer to her so she could smell my breath and gently touched her hair. Despite my creator's attempts to mold me, I didn't like to brutalize humans— fortunately, drawing them in with my scent and my looks was generally all that was necessary. She gazed up at me, awe and gratitude in her eyes, as I pressed her against the wall with my body and kissed my way down from her temple to her neck. Her hands slid into my hair seconds before my teeth sliced into her skin.

I could taste the betrayal on my tongue.

It was the most overwhelmingly pleasurable experience of my entire existence.

I drank as slowly as I could and finished the encounter a profoundly satisfied and enlightened man. However, as I disposed of the bodies it occurred to me that perhaps the betrayal had nothing to do with it. Perhaps her blood had just been _that_ good. I hoped not, since, as there was nothing in her scent to indicate that drinking her would be so extraordinary, it would not be easy to replicate the experience. I immediately resolved to test my new theory and found, to my extreme satisfaction, that betrayal does indeed have a flavor. So for the next few years, instead of stalking girls I stalked rapists, abusers, and murderers. Occasionally, I was fortunate enough to choose someone who was betraying his victim.

The double betrayal was, quite literally, delicious.

For the most part, I was satisfied with my new feeding procedure. While I was no longer selecting my prey based on their scent, the sweet, sweet betrayal made even the most mediocre blood enjoyable, and sometimes the criminal would be delicious as well. A particularly tasty appetizer, if you will. I could feed frequently on the most pleasurable blood, never having to spend months preparing my victims. There were only two major drawbacks. Occasionally my primary prey would flee as soon as I pulled her attacker away from her. This was quite sensible of her, of course, but had the result of leaving me with a far less enjoyable experience. After all, I did not save her so that she could run away! The other disappointment was that sometimes the girl would be so addled with alcohol or despair that my betrayal wouldn't register with her. If her blood was too tainted by drugs or drink, or just not that tasty, without the sweetening, euphoric effect of my betrayal it was a much less enjoyable experience.

Then one day I heard something unbelievable.

A passing nomad spun me an improbable tale of a vampire who had fallen in love with a human and was "courting" her. He supposedly went to the lengths of protecting her from other vampires, yet still had not changed her. As I said, I didn't believe it. While there have been vampires who have, for whatever reason, taken a fancy to a human, if they really want them they change them. If for no other reason than fear of the Volturi, they don't gallivant around and _court_ them. However, implausible though it may have been, it gave me an idea. Perhaps I could have the best of both of my feeding procedures. I could choose the girl, woo her, and betray her, eliminating any risk of her being too drugged or despairing to notice. She would have no opportunity to flee, and I could even select the girl partially based on her scent. I had no idea how long it would take to build up the necessary trust to create a sense of betrayal, but as needed I could still hunt criminals and "save" their victims.

It was brilliant.

I chose girls who were quiet and introspective, since they were less likely to tell people about me. This had the added benefit of making me unlikely to kill them too quickly out of sheer annoyance, as I never could bear mindless chatter. I changed my personal history from girl to girl to keep myself from being bored, but the basic story was always the same: the lust for her blood overwhelmed by irresistible attraction, the profession of undying love, the flattery. She was so beautiful, so intelligent, so brave. I was so afraid of hurting her. I had waited forever for her. Add in a little self-loathing and apparently I was every young woman's dream. I was truly surprised at how quickly the girls overcame any inherent sense of self-preservation and believed me, welcoming me into their lives and even sometimes their beds.

The human mind really is fascinating; people are willing to believe almost any improbable thing rather than trust their instincts.

For years I successfully used this system. My most recent girl was a high school student fairly new to the small town I was currently in. She seemed to be intelligent for a human, but was easily won over by my appearance and tortured tale of overwhelming love and bloodlust. That last night, I sat in the corner of her bedroom watching her sleep, having slipped silently through her window earlier in the evening. Sleeping humans are more interesting than I had ever supposed, moving about so much that one wonders how it is at all restful, and sometimes even speaking. In fact, some years ago I had an entire conversation with a girl and she was so coherent that at first I did not even realize she was still asleep. It was rather amusing. This girl spoke in her sleep as well, sometimes even saying my name, which none of the others had ever done. She was quiet now though, and I wanted her to wake up. I shifted in the rocking chair, purposefully making some noise, until she opened her eyes and saw me.

"Hi," she whispered shyly.

"Hello," I whispered back. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's okay. Why are you all the way over there?" A blush rose on her cheeks as though she was astonished by her own boldness. She smelled delicious.

I studied her face. She really was quite pretty with her dark hair and blushes, and her eyes were lovely. She was a quiet and peaceful person to be around, too. I considered waiting a few more days.

No. She was ready for me, and I needed to keep to the plan and move on to the next girl. I had met the challenge with this one. Besides, it had been a month already, much more time than I usually spent with my girls. The longer I spent with her, the more likely she would tell someone about me.

I walked over to her bedside and gently stroked her hair back from her face, feeling the heat of her renewed blush under my fingertips. "So beautiful," I murmured.

She smiled slightly, and I could see wonder in her eyes. "You're the beautiful one."

She pulled back the covers, wordlessly inviting me under, and I pretended to hesitate. "Are you sure? I don't want to make you cold."

"I won't be cold," she replied stubbornly.

I could feel the indulgent amusement in the smile that slipped unbidden onto my face. So quiet and yet so stubborn. I had to admit it was a bit endearing. I quietly removed my shoes and slid into her bed, propping myself up on my elbow. I ran my finger along her collarbone. "Hello, love."

"Hello," she whispered, running her hand through my hair and tugging me down to kiss her.

I was happy to oblige. I was even happier to oblige when she began to remove my shirt and then my pants, though I pretended to pangs of conscience and fear of hurting her. She soothed my supposed worries with her unique combination of reassurance and stubbornness and was pleased to see that I showed no hesitation when removing her clothing. She was so delightfully warm that I deviated from my plan and took the opportunity to press my body against hers, for a few minutes simply kissing her.

Next to their blood, warmth is perhaps the best thing about humans.

Eventually, I settled myself between her legs, her hands in my hair and on my neck. "Are you sure?" I asked again. "I don't want to hurt you." I felt a jolt of surprise when I realized that I meant it. It was unsettling.

She moved restlessly beneath me and I gritted my teeth. "Yes," she gasped. "Please, yes."

I took my time with her, waiting for her orgasm before I slid my mouth to her neck. I felt her life pulsing under my lips, and paused, trying to make sense of my conflicting emotions. Why was I never able to bring myself to drink her?

I wanted her blood. That was natural. Understandable.

I wanted _her_. All of her: her smiles, her laughter, her conversation. That was neither natural nor understandable.

I wanted to know what made her happy, what made her sad, what caused the adorable little crinkle between her eyebrows. I wanted to know her.

I wanted her_ to live_.

* * *

**A/N: I decided that the unknown vampire in _Betrayal Sweetens the Blood _really was Edward, so I wanted to give him a happy ending. (Obviously, in this and in BStB, Bella is not Edward's singer.) The story diverges from BStB here, and chapter 2 will be up shortly. Chapters will be shorter than what I usually write, and will be posted daily this week (M-F) and either daily or every other day next week. **


	2. Confusion

2\. Confusion

.

An unrecognizable noise burst through my lips as I tore myself away from her and flung myself into the far corner of her room, sitting with my back to the wall, my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, my fingertips digging into my thighs. Afraid that if I relaxed even a miniscule amount I would kill her anyway.

"What… are you okay?" She sounded completely bewildered.

I squeezed my eyes shut, but it was too late—the image of her sitting up with her hair tumbling around her bare shoulders was burned on my retinas.

Perhaps I should be glad to have that image for eternity, but right now it was making it very difficult to refrain from leaping back in her bed. I didn't think I could stop myself from drinking her a second time. I had to stay away from her.

"Edward, what's wrong?" To my horror, I heard her get up and slowly move towards me. Did she _want_ to die?

"Stop! Stay back." My voice was still rough with lust, both for her blood and her body.

She stilled and asked quietly, "Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm just fabulous," I muttered.

My sarcasm must have made her think I was more in control of myself than I was, because she started gradually coming towards me again. "Will you _please_ stay away from me?" I ground out.

"Why?" she asked mulishly. Her stubbornness was not so endearing when it was sending her straight into danger. Would she do nothing to help me keep her alive?

I could hear her, smell her getting closer. My fingernails began to rip into the flesh of my legs. The pain helped me stay focused enough to keep from grabbing her and draining her.

"I almost _killed_ you," I snapped. "Isn't that reason enough to stay away?"

"But you didn't," she said soothingly. "It's okay."

The impossible girl was still slowly moving towards me. I had to stop her. I would do anything, say anything, to stop her.

"You don't understand," I said harshly. "I _wanted_ to kill you. I _planned_ it."

Finally, _finally_, I heard her take a step back.

"You planned it," she repeated faintly.

"_Yes_."

I flinched when I heard a hitch in her breathing. She took a deep, apparently steadying, breath. I could hear her moving back towards the bed, fabric sliding over her skin as she got dressed, her bedside lamp clicking on, then her tiny grunt as she threw my clothing at me. Distracted by a sudden, horrifying realization, I didn't even attempt to catch them, and heard more than felt the crack of my belt buckle against my head.

As my clothes whistled through the air it had occurred to me that she was going to want me to leave her.

That should have been fine with me. It would have been fine with me, except that I realized I didn't want to leave her. The thought of it was literally painful, an actual tearing sensation in my chest.

I couldn't comprehend it. What was wrong with me? She was just a _human_. Could vampires go insane?

"I'm truly sorry," I said, confused and a little embarrassed by the small, pained sound of my voice. "Once I dress I'll be on my way."

"Oh, no, you won't." Her voice had a flinty edge that I had never heard before. "You aren't going anywhere until you talk to me."

I couldn't help but smile at her fierceness, backed as it was by absolutely no physical force. She was like a tiny, hissing kitten, soft and warm and fragile.

"Are you…are you _smirking_ at me?" She sounded outraged.

"I… sorry." I met her eyes for the first time since leaving her bed and mentally winced at the tears in them. "It's just, do you really think you could stop me, if I chose to leave?"

She stared at me for a long moment, until I felt more naked than I had ever been, stripped open and weighed in the balance and found wanting. She finally spoke, in a low, hard voice."I am well aware of what you can do. I haven't forgotten your _touching_ little performance of strength and speed in the meadow. But if you have a _shred_ of decency in you, you will stay here and tell me what the hell is going on."

"I don't know if I can explain it to you," I replied honestly, hearing the confusion in my voice. "I really don't understand what is happening."

Her expression showed plainly that she was unsure whether or not to believe me. "Get dressed. I can't talk to you when you're… like this." She waved a hand at my nakedness, then straightened her bedclothes and sat against the headboard, her pillows behind her. And waited.

I stood and dressed, doing it so quickly that I would be a blur to her eyes, but even after I was fully clothed I felt too exposed before her. I was overwhelmed, unsettled by the jumble of thoughts and unfamiliar emotions in my brain. I slowly sat back down and scrubbed my hands roughly over my face and through my hair. "What do you want to know?"

She huffed angrily. "Your name, for starters."

I frowned at her. "My name is Edward Mas—"

She interrupted, "Your real name."

"That _is_ my real name. I'm Edward Masen of Chicago. I was seventeen and dying of the Spanish Influenza when I was changed into a vampire. It was the fall of 1918. I remember very little of my human life."

"But… that's what you told me before. You told me the _truth_?"

"About that, yes." I decided I may as well be candid, and continued, "You are the only human I have ever told the truth about that."

"Why?" she asked skeptically. "I mean, why didn't you lie to me about it the way you do everyone else?"

"I don't know. It wasn't something I planned, to be honest. I had a whole different persona prepared. It just… came out unbidden." I took a deep breath. "I will tell you the truth about everything, if you like. Whatever you would like to know."

"Anything I ask?" she said slowly. "You won't lie to me?"

"I will never lie to you again," I promised, feeling as surprised as she looked by my vehemence. "I swear it. I warn you though, you will not like what I have to say. I truly am a deplorable creature."

She stared at me in silence for a moment, a tiny furrow between her brows. "So fifteen minutes ago you were planning to kill me, and now you're willing to tell me your innermost secrets? This is really confusing."

I chuckled darkly. "Trust me, you are no more confused than I."

She frowned at me and said flatly, "I don't know why I should trust you. How do I know this isn't all part of your plan, to amuse yourself by seeing how far I'm willing to believe you? Some stupid vampire game that you play?"

"This isn't a game. I do have a plan, but if I had been following it you would have been dead shortly after you invited me into your bed."

"You mean before I…" She blushed so violently that I could feel the heat from it all the way over where I was. And her scent…

I forced myself to stay on topic. "Yes," I said stonily. "I care for no one's pleasure but my own. I am a beast."

"I don't understand. Then why didn't you—"

"I don't know!" The words exploded out of me. "I don't know! All I know is that I couldn't allow myself to do it. I wanted you to live so _badly_ that I sat here and tore open my own flesh to keep myself focused enough not to kill you! I told you the last thing I ever wanted you to know so that you would stay away from me, stay safe—as safe as you ever can be in the same room with me!" I clenched my fists in my hair and continued in a lower voice, but no less desperately, "I don't know. I don't understand what is happening to me."

"You tore… are you okay?" she asked in a concerned voice. "Do you need help? Stitches or, or something? I mean, how do you fix that?"

I stared at her, stunned. "After what I did to you, how can you care about that?"

"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't." She frowned down at her hands for a moment, then looked at me and added a little defiantly, "But I do."

I was trapped by her eyes, and she stared back, our gazes softening and melding and I felt… I couldn't put a name to it. But it was too much, too huge. My body couldn't contain it. I blinked and looked away, focusing on my hands in my lap, and resisted the urge to get up and touch her. I said quietly, "It's fine. I smoothed the skin back when I got dressed and it's already almost healed. Soon even I won't be able to see where the damage was."

"But, didn't it hurt?" she asked, in a small, pained voice.

"Yes. Very much." I met her eyes and told her seriously, "But it was worth it, Bella. I would do it again."

Her eyes filled with tears and she buried her face in her hands, nearly wailing, "I don't understand any of this! You come here and you're a vampire and I care about you and you say you're trying to do good, but it's really a lie and you do bad, but then you actually _do_ something good and now I don't know what I'm feeling but it's _more_ and I don't… I just… I'm so confused!"

"I know, Bella. I'm so sorry." Her breath caught on a sob and I winced. "Please, love, don't—"

"Don't call me that!" She swiped at the tears on her face and glared at me. "Don't call me what you call all your other women—all your other _victims_! You sweet talk them and seduce them and make them trust you and then you _kill_ them." Her voice edged toward hysteria, "Oh God, when you said you had a plan… that's your plan… that's… you… how can you—"

"Yes," I cut in evenly. "Yes, that's my plan. That's what I do. But I have never called anyone 'love' except for you."

She stared at me for a long, frozen moment before her face crumpled and she began sobbing.

* * *

**A/N: So do you think this Edward is salvageable? Review, and let me know what you think of him. See you tomorrow for chapter 3. :)**


	3. Shock

3\. Shock

.

After a painful, interminable minute it became clear to me that she wasn't going to stop crying anytime soon. "I'm coming over there," I announced. "I swear I won't hurt you."

I approached slowly, afraid of scaring her on top of everything else I had done to her, and sat down on the floor next to her bed. I carefully took her hand, surprised when she gripped mine in return, and rubbed my thumb over the back.

"Shh, Bella, shh. I'm so sorry. Please don't cry. I'm so sorry." I continued whispering apologies as I cautiously put my other hand on her back, stroking her hair. I expected her to cringe away from my inexpert attempt at comfort, and was shocked when she instead leaned toward me, resting her head on my shoulder and sobbing into my neck. Eventually, somehow, she ended up down on the floor with me, in my lap.

I held her in my arms as she sobbed until she gagged, and then as she tried to vomit in her wastepaper basket, heaving and heaving, but only producing bile and saliva.

I held her as she sobbed for all the innocent lives I had so callously taken, and I tried to cry for the earnest, naïve boy I had once been and the despicable monster I had become, for the eighty-seven years of grief and death I'd wreaked on the world, wishing my wretched, cursed body could produce tears.

I held her as she inexplicably clung to me—me! The author of her distress—and cried herself into an exhausted sleep.

I should have returned her to her bed then, but instead I held her as she slept, my lips on her head and her scent a fiery, precious burn in my throat. I watched the sky slowly begin to lighten, knowing our time together would soon be coming to an end, but oddly wishing I could hold her close to me forever.

I held her until I heard a car door slam and the tired, disjointed thoughts of her father.

She woke, disoriented, as I was sliding her under the covers. "Shh, it's okay. Your father's home from work; he's going to come check on you."

"But…wait, are you leaving?"

I heard the front door close. "Do you want me to?"

"No!" she exclaimed, too loudly.

"Shh," I whispered. He was coming up the stairs now. "I'll stay. Go back to sleep." I impulsively grabbed her hand and kissed it, then darted into her closet. I waited in there while her father poked his head in her door, puttered around in the bathroom, and got into bed. When his breathing slowed into sleep I emerged silently, surprised to see Bella's eyes half-open.

"'Go back to sleep,'" she mocked me sleepily. "Not likely while you're here."

I recoiled, stung, even though I knew I deserved her distrust. I told her stiffly, "You would be perfectly safe. I won't hurt you."

"What?" She sat up, shoving her hair back from her face. "I didn't mean _that_. I just meant that I don't know how long you're staying. I don't want to sleep through it."

I could feel the abnormal slackness of my facial muscles as I stared at her. I didn't even know what to make of that. How could she actually want to spend time with me?

She yawned widely, and I decided to try to bargain with her. "If I promise I won't leave until you want me to, will you go back to sleep for a couple of hours? You've barely had any sleep at all tonight."

"You promise? 'Cause I still want to talk to you." She yawned again and continued, her words beginning to slur together, "And you said you would answer all my questions so if you leave I'll never know the answers and it'll be sad."

I poked her gently in the shoulder with one finger and watched her sway. "Lie down before you fall down, silly Bella. I will stay right here until you wake up, and we can talk about whatever you like. I promise I won't leave."

"'Kay." She flopped back down and I helped her pull the covers up around her shoulders. I smoothed her hair back from her cheek, watching her eyelids flutter as she fought sleep. "Ewward?" she mumbled.

I smiled a little at her mispronunciation. "Yes, love?" I winced as the endearment tumbled out, hoping it didn't upset her again. Fortunately, she didn't seem to notice.

"Be sad if you left."

"Yes, I know. Not having answers makes you sad," I said, amused.

She forced one eye halfway open. "No, you. Not answers." Her eye shut and she murmured, "Want answers, but you more."

She immediately tumbled deep into sleep as I stood frozen by her bed. I couldn't breathe. Not that I needed to, but I wasn't accustomed to being _unable _to. She was… she was amazing… she was beautiful… inside and out… she was… she was…

She was _completely insane_. How could she even think such things? I was a bloodthirsty monster, and she knew it! How could she want me? Why would she want me? She deserved so much more than anything I had to offer.

The story I had heard so long ago about the courting vampire popped into my head and I ruthlessly shoved it away. I had heard that story and only been inspired with a way to create guaranteed betrayal. I was completely unworthy of her. She was delirious from exhaustion. That was all.

I staggered over to her rocking chair and collapsed into it, profoundly irritated by my sudden lack of motor skills. I felt as though I had been taken apart and put back together in a way that made me completely unrecognizable. I was not the same vampire who sat in this very chair not seven hours before, and certainly not the same vampire who sat here a month ago. I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Edward," she sighed in her sleep.

I fought the grin that threatened to take over my face every time she said my name in her sleep and pulled her scent deep into my lungs. It roused and calmed me simultaneously, in the strange way it had always done.

She breathed my name again, the corners of her lips turning up as she smiled, and suddenly the unsettling confusion of the past month —my inability to kill her, the desire to spend time with her, my longing to hear her thoughts—suddenly it all made perfect, horrible sense.

I love her.

The thought was shocking. Not because she was human—well, not only that— but because I hadn't thought I had any finer emotions left. I hadn't thought it possible for me to love anyone. For decades I'd been no more than a monster, a soulless, pointless husk of a man.

Although it was probably stretching a point to call myself a man.

I knew I couldn't stay with her. I'd done enough damage already; it would be reprehensible to inflict myself on her further. I would answer her questions and then leave her in peace.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, my entire being rebelling at the thought of leaving her. There had to be another option. Could I perhaps watch over her from a distance? Surely it would be acceptable to keep an eye on her as she went through her life, just to ensure she was safe and happy.

I thought of watching her finish high school, go to college, fall in love, marry and have children…

I flinched. I wanted those things for her, of course I did. I wanted her to be happy. But the thought of watching her happiness with another man was unbelievably painful. Could I trust myself to observe her and never interfere? Could I be strong enough to stay out of her life?

Well, I would need to be, I told myself harshly. If I wanted to stay close enough to ensure her safety, I would need to find the strength to remain unnoticed in the shadows, where I belonged.

Bella shifted position in her sleep, muttering incomprehensibly about trees and green mush, and I decided to worry about all this later. Watching her sleep was far more interesting.

As the minutes passed it became more and more difficult to remain where I was. The draw to be close to her or touch her was nearly overpowering, and it was a relief when she began to stir, drifting slowly towards awareness. She suddenly sat bolt upright and looked wildly around the room. When she saw me in the rocking chair she let out a huge breath and collapsed back on the bed.

She looked… relieved. No one else on this planet, knowing what she knew, would be relieved to find me still in their bedroom. Maybe she really _was_ insane.

She rolled on her side and met my eyes. "You're still here."

"I promised you I would be," I replied with pretended calm.

"I'm so glad," she murmured. Her eyes drifted closed and she rubbed them childishly, then focused on me again. "Hi."

I could feel the affection in my smile but was helpless to stop it. "Good morning."

She gestured vaguely in the direction of the bathroom. "Um, I'm just going to, uh, take a human minute. I'll be right back." She slid out of bed, blushing, and darted around her room gathering clothes and toiletries. Given how last night began, I found her self-consciousness charming.

After a great deal of thumping, muttering, and running water, she returned from the bathroom and perched on the edge of her bed, looking uncertain. "Do we have to stay here to talk?"

"We can talk wherever you like." If we went somewhere else I would have more time with her, so I was unlikely to object.

"Would the meadow be okay? I don't think it's supposed to rain today."

"You'd like to go back there?" I was surprised she wouldn't prefer a location closer to other humans, not to mention one wholly unconnected with me. Perhaps she wanted to keep the memory of my deception in the forefront of her mind? The meadow should accomplish that goal very easily, if so.

She shrugged. "It's beautiful there. And it's not like everything you told me there was a lie—you may as well tell me the rest of the truth there, too."

* * *

**A/N: Aw, he loves her. And he figured it out on his own, too. ;) Edward will start talking in tomorrow's chapter, and we'll begin to see what his story is. Thanks to those who've reviewed! I had a guest reviewer ask if there are mates in this world, and yes, there are, but Edward likely doesn't know much about them. He's kept himself isolated, and has had little interaction with other vampires. **


	4. Youth

4\. Youth

.

The first time Bella and I had gone to the meadow I had teased her about her ancient truck's slowness, but today I was grateful for the extra minutes its sluggish pace would allow me to spend with her. As through to make up for it, however, when we reached the trailhead she decided we should run instead of walk. I savored the feeling of her warmth wrapped around me and her breath on my neck, and wished I could have her with me always. I ran at a pace that was slow for me, but even so, after only a few minutes I could see the meadow ahead.

She lay down on her back in the center of the field, gazing up at the formless blanket of clouds. "It's a shame it's not sunny," she said wistfully.

I lay next to her and made a noncommittal noise. Personally, I was thankful for the cloud cover, that the sun wasn't adding to my misery by refracting off me like I was some sort of hideous, undead disco ball.

We stared at the featureless blanket of clouds for a long moment before she prompted me in quiet voice, "Well?"

"I… I don't even know where to start. I promise, I'll tell you whatever you want to know, I just…"

"Start at the beginning," she suggested gently.

I didn't know if she meant my human or vampire life, but I decided to talk about the former. "I was an only child. We were well-off—not rich, but comfortable. Our house was large, and there was a big garden in the back. I remember my mother cutting flowers… roses, maybe? I think roses. They were pink. My father worked in an office… he was a businessman? Or a lawyer? I don't remember, but I think I was closer to my mother. I have more memories of her."

"Like what?"

I frowned, sifting through the faded shreds for something tangible. "Of sitting with her in the garden, drinking lemonade. Talking in the parlor. She was very interested in me, and gave good advice. I don't remember any in particular, just the feeling that I trusted her and her opinion. She loved me." Did she look down from heaven and weep at the sight of me? I hoped God was merciful to her, and she didn't know what a monster I was. Maybe He'd allowed her to forget that she ever had a son.

"Of course she did," Bella murmured. I was startled for a second, until I realized she was talking about my mother loving me. "What did you like to do? I suppose you went to school; what were your favorite subjects? What hobbies did you have?"

"I… I don't remember favorite subjects, as such, but I remember liking school. Liking the challenge of it. I played the piano, and I loved baseball. I played it at school, and with friends, and…" My voice changed with the surprise of my discovery, "I think I went to some games with my father. The White Sox. I had forgotten that."

I felt Bella's eyes on my face, and realized it was contorted with the effort to remember.

"Should it be so difficult for you to remember your human life?"

"Human memories are fuzzy, especially if we don't try to remember them when we're first changed. The more we think about them, the clearer they become."

"So did you didn't try to remember?" she asked, surprised.

"No," I admitted. "Quite the opposite, actually. I tried not to remember."

She didn't ask why, but out of the corner of my eye I could see her frowning, so I continued, so quietly it was almost a whisper, "My life had been good—_I_ had been... It was difficult to think about what I had been, in light of what I had become."

The back of her hand brushed against mine where it was clenched at my side, and I instantly felt myself relax. Her warmth was amazing.

"Do you remember anything else?"

I struggled to make sense of the shadowy half-images in my mind. "The windows in the front of the house had stained glass in them, and the sun would cast colors everywhere. I liked it. I remember watching it, at all different ages. When I was small I remember… I would play in the colored light." The memory became clearer as I spoke. "I had toy soldiers, and I would use the different colors for different parts of the battlefield. Sometimes I would drag the cat around through the light; she was white and I liked to watch her change color. She didn't seem to mind, but Mother would scold me."

"You had a cat?"

I huffed a surprised laugh. "Yes, apparently. I had forgotten."

The back of her hand was flush against mine now and she was slowly stroking my fingers with the back of one of hers. It was glorious, but surely she didn't realize what she was doing. I devoted part of my brain to keeping my hand perfectly still, afraid to so much as twitch and scare her off.

"Your childhood sounds idyllic," she commented.

Disconnected images flashed before my eyes: my mother knitting, amusement on her face as a small, grubby me told her a long, convoluted tale; sitting in church beside my father at eleven or twelve years old, squaring my shoulders and trying to look as gentlemanly as he did; running around outside with a bunch of other children as our mothers sat talking in the shade of a large tree; a woman in a kitchen with a huge apron wrapped around herself—our cook?—handing me a few cookies and tousling my hair, saying, "Go on now, Mr. Edward, outside with you!"

"Yes," I agreed quietly, a dull ache in my chest. "I think it was."

She silently stroked my fingers. After the twelfth stroke she sighed and asked, "So then what happened?"

"I volunteered at the hospital the summer of 1918; so many doctors and nurses were serving overseas that the hospital was grossly understaffed. I remember helping on the wards with injured soldiers. I think my mother hoped seeing the aftermath of war would make me reconsider signing up when I turned eighteen, but I was determined to go." I scoffed. "Not that it mattered. Even if I hadn't become… what I am, the war was over long before my eighteenth birthday."

I took an unnecessary breath, trying to steady myself. My last human days were, unfortunately, the most detailed human memories I had retained. "That fall the influenza began. I woke one night to this horrible coughing. My father had taken ill. Mother tried to nurse him at home, but he was so sick, and he rapidly got worse. His fever was high, his face was blue and purple... He was delirious, hallucinating perhaps. He didn't know us. Someone called for an ambulance, but he died shortly after we arrived at the hospital. By then, my mother and I were sick as well.

"The hospital was a nightmare. There weren't enough beds in the wards, there weren't enough sheets or blankets. There were people on pallets lining the hallways, and all you could hear, from every direction, was coughing, and these horrible wheezing gasps. It was terrifying, like nothing I'd heard before.

"I don't remember anything clearly after that. I was so sick— everything hurt. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to be touched. Just the weight of the sheet on my skin was excruciating. Mother repeatedly left her bed, trying to care for me. She kept running a wet cloth over my face and neck, repeating 'Not you, too. Not you, too. Not you, too.' There was blood smeared on her mouth from her coughing, and spattered on her face and clothes from mine. Her hair was falling out of its braid and her face was bruised-looking and bluish. That's the last memory I have of her."

Bella was holding my hand now. I laced my fingers with hers, taking care not to squeeze her hand too tightly.

"I remember knowing I was dying. It was so hard to breathe and I was so tired. Everything was a blur of pain and cold and too much light. Then there was nothing, until I felt the fire."

"The fire?" she cried, startled.

"Changing from human to vampire is horribly painful," I explained. "It feels like being burned alive. I thought, at first, that I'd gone to hell, and I didn't understand. But there was a voice talking to me, telling me what was happening, apologizing over and over and saying everything would be all right. He sounded familiar, and I knew I trusted him, but I couldn't place who he was. The pain was distracting, to say the least. Between that and how sick I had been, it was difficult to concentrate on anything. But then there was a different voice, or at least the voice seemed to have changed, and when I woke up I was with a stranger. I don't know if the first voice was even real."

I lay with her in silence for a while, the warmth of her hand soothing me, then admitted, "I really don't want to tell you the next part."

"You promised, Edward," Bella reminded me.

I rolled my head to look at her face, saying earnestly, "It's not that I want to hide something about myself from you. It's just, he was so evil. So… vicious. I shouldn't burden you with this."

She bit her lip for a moment, her eyes searching my face, then said resolutely, "Tell me."

I sighed and turned my head away, looking back up at the featureless clouds. "His name was Tredan. I discovered later that it meant 'tramples,' which was certainly appropriate for him. He was sadistic. Brutal. He enjoyed taunting his prey, torturing them, making their ends a complete misery. He tried to mold me in his image, and was very angry when I resisted. I would like to say that he was insane, but as I don't believe that's possible for our kind he did not have even that excuse. He was simply evil."

Bella's breath was coming faster. I began running my thumb over the back of her hand, back and forth, hoping it would soothe her.

"He was a braggart, telling me lots of tales about how old he was, all the places he'd lived and the vampires he'd defeated. Intentionally or not, he gave me quite a bit of useful information, including the rules of our world and exactly how to destroy a vampire. Quite a lot of nonsense as well, about how it wasn't permitted for vampires to leave their makers and how he'd always be able to find me if I left him. By dint of talking to him as little as possible, I managed to hide my mind-reading ability. It was difficult, because I didn't have good control over it at first and the mental noise was sometimes overwhelming, but I was afraid of what he would want to do with me if he knew."

Bella made a small noise and I turned my head to look at her. "You doing okay?"

She nodded.

"You sure? Because it's not going to get any prettier."

"I'm sure. Just tell me."

I could feel the love for her in my smile. "You're so stubborn."

She rolled her eyes and said firmly, "Just tell me, Edward. Get it over with."

"Very well." I looked back up at the clouds and resumed stroking her hand with my thumb. I didn't know if it was helping her, but it certainly was helping me. "So time went by. Eventually he gave up on turning me into a sadistic brute like himself. He pretended that he was still trying to teach me the so-called 'correct way' for a vampire to behave, but I heard in his thoughts how angry and disappointed he was, and that he'd decided to punish me instead, for being such a puling weakling. He had an odd, fleeting thought, that he should have left me where he found me, but he never thought about it further and I don't know what he meant. I didn't have the opportunity to think about it at the time, since I was too busy trying to pick his brain for how he planned to punish me. Forewarned is forearmed, right?"

Bella scoffed.

"Yes," I agreed quietly. "I'd been with him for almost six months at that point and for a long time I had been watching for an opportunity to leave. I wasn't sure if I could best him in a fight, so I was hoping that he would stop watching me so closely, giving me a chance to get away. We were on the outskirts of Chicago, and I knew if I could make it to Lake Michigan he wouldn't be able to follow my scent in the water. Perhaps he had some kind of special ability, for somehow he always knew when I was going to try to get away from him."

I fell silent, and after a minute Bella squeezed my hand and whispered, "How did he punish you?"

I chuckled humorlessly. "He knew me fairly well by then, so he did everything he knew I hated. We hunted a little more frequently, and his choice of prey was younger or more elderly than usual. He was even more sadistic, if that's possible, and taunted me with what he was doing to them. We began hunting in the nicer areas of the city, which we usually didn't do since missing persons were more noticeable there, but he was hoping to find the neighborhood I came from. He knew from my clothing and speech that I had been reasonably well-off, and he hoped quite gleefully, inside his head of course, that he would eventually hunt someone I knew." I took a deep, unnecessary breath. "And then one day, he did."

* * *

**A/N: So there's the beginning of Edward's story- tomorrow we'll find out who Tredan took and what Edward does about it. :) I posted some pictures to my Tumblr (whilewewereyetsinners DOT tumblr DOT com) of Elizabeth Masen and little Edward, some examples of Edwardian glass, and a poster that was distributed throughout Chicago during the epidemic. I've learned so many horrific things about the Spanish Flu while researching for this and another story that I don't understand why I didn't know more about it before. Tens of millions died globally, yet, here in the US at least, it seems to have become no more than a footnote to history. Anyway, check out the pictures, if you like, and thanks for the reviews!**


	5. Despair

5\. Despair

.

Bella's heart rate was elevated, and I turned my head to frown at her.

"Why are you stopping?" she demanded.

"Are you okay? Your heart is racing like mad."

"I'm fine!" She rolled her eyes when I continued to frown at her, then took a few dramatically deep breaths. "Better?" she asked, a bit sarcastically.

Her heart was still beating too rapidly, but it had slowed quite a bit. "Yes," I conceded. "Anyhow, Tredan liked to bring his prey back to wherever we happened to be staying so he had more time with them. We'd stayed in so many filthy, abandoned buildings… He had snatched a little girl from her bed that night, and when we got back I realized she was the youngest sister of my friend Jack. I had known we were close to where I used to live, but I hadn't recognized which house he got her from. Tredan sometimes liked to make his prey scream for my help, if he could. The futility of it amused him, and he enjoyed how much I hated it. So you can imagine how delighted he was when Emilie started screaming my name without any prompting from him."

"Oh, Edward," Bella gasped, horrified.

I stared unseeingly at the clouds and tried not to hold her hand too tightly. "She was screaming, and he was hurting her and telling me everything he was going to do to her. I could hear his mind; he was so damn _elated_ that he'd found someone I knew. My memories were fuzzy, but Jack had been one of my closest friends and I'd known her since she was a baby, and then she turned her head and looked at me… the look on her face… I just… I snapped. I lunged at him and pulled him away from her, and I don't know if it was the fighting techniques I'd gleaned from his mind, being able to read his moves in his head before he made them, or my rage, but it was surprisingly easy to destroy him. I tore him to shreds and spit venom on him and lit him on fire with his own matches. I was so angry, out of control, still growling like a rabid beast, and there was venom running down my chin, and Emilie…" My voice broke, the grief and horror spilling over me afresh.

Bella rolled onto her side and pressed a kiss to my shoulder. She gripped my arm with her free hand and rested her face there against me, her breath warming me, and I was so thankful she wasn't yet running away.

"Emilie was terrified of me. He'd broken so many of her bones—her legs, some ribs, one of her arms—but she was trying to push herself away from me, making these horrible whimpering cries every time she moved. I tried to approach her, to help her, but she got hysterical and I was afraid she would hurt herself further. Her mind was incoherent with terror. I had to leave the room and wait for the pain to force her into unconsciousness. Then I stabilized her fractures as best I could and ran with her to the hospital. I banged on the door until I heard someone coming, and hid in the shadows until she was safely inside. I tried to follow the minds of the people who took her inside, so I could see that she was well taken care of, but I didn't have the control over my gift that I now do. There were so many minds inside there, and I lost her. I left the city then, before the sun rose, and I never returned."

Bella pressed another kiss to my shoulder. "You don't know what happened to her, do you?"

"No." My voice was heavy with sadness and guilt.

"We can try to find out, you know. There are websites with census records, birth and death certificates, that kind of thing. I mean, we can't know what she said to people or what kind of person she turned out to be, but we should at least be able to find out if she lived. If you want. What was her last name?"

"Haddon," I said quietly. "And yes, thank you. I would like that."

"Okay, we will then." She sounded marginally more cheerful. "So where did you go after you left Chicago?"

"West. There were less people to the west. I didn't know what to do. I didn't… I don't think I can explain how much I loathed myself. I tried not to remember my human life, but there was always this nagging in the back of my brain that I was supposed to be good. Kind, gentlemanly, respectful, responsible… and now I'd become this evil… _thing_. A monster. I wanted to die."

Bella made a noise of protest, but I continued on, my tone dispassionate. "The first sizable river I came to, I tried to drown myself. I knew I didn't need to breathe, but I'd hoped if I filled my lungs with water… When that didn't work I wasn't sure what to do. I thought perhaps if I jumped from a mountain my body would break into pieces, but without someone to burn me I wasn't certain what would happen, if my body was capable of reassembling itself. So I decided to try to starve myself. Other beasts would die without food, so I reasoned the same would be true of me.

"As the weeks went by I grew weaker, but unfortunately it was mentally as well as physically. It became more and more difficult to think rationally. I tried to stay in desolate areas away from people, but the days began to run together and eventually I was mindlessly wandering, rather than planning where I would go. I drifted too close to Yellowstone National Park— it was quite the tourist attraction, even back in 1919—and one day I smelled the most delectable scent… The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by dead bodies. It had been a family: parents, three children. They'd been picnicking. I didn't even remember killing them, and somehow that made it worse. They deserved for me to remember."

Bella was crying, her slow tears seeping into my sleeve. I was glad someone was able to weep for them on my behalf, but at the same time it was monstrous of me to distress her this way.

"You don't have to listen to all this, you know. I'll take you back to the truck whenever you like." _And then I'll leave you alone_, I silently promised her. My chest ached at the thought.

She swiped at her face and said in a surprisingly steady voice, "No, you promised you would tell me. I want to know." She wrapped her hand back around my arm.

I stared at her in disbelief for a moment. Was she really going to stay through all this? Why wasn't she fleeing?

I sighed and fixed my gaze back on the clouds. "Very well. Let me know if you change your mind. No one could blame you for not wanting to pollute your mind with this."

She nestled her face against my shoulder and said grumpily, "You lived it, I can listen to it. Stop stalling, Edward."

A surprised laugh burst out of me. "Okay, okay. So, after my complete loss of control, it became clear to me that starving myself wasn't an option. It made me too mentally fuzzy, and without knowing for certain that it would eventually work I couldn't take the risk… I couldn't allow myself to ever kill children or a family again. I was forced to accept that I was stuck as a vampire. I decided I would only hunt criminals: murderers, rapists, and the like. I had tried to do that as much as possible while with Tredan, using my mind-reading to single them out, and it seemed a somewhat reasonable compromise. For several decades that's what I did. And over time, I lost what vestiges of my humanity were left. I couldn't empathize with humans anymore; I could barely remember having human concerns. I was a monster who was forced to feed upon them, so I couldn't afford to feel any sympathy for them. I think, subconsciously, I made myself mentally separate from them. Humans were food, like cattle or chickens. That was all."

Bella murmured, "That makes sense."

I scoffed at her. "None of this makes sense."

She lifted her head and frowned at me. "I mean, you had no choice but to feed from humans, so it makes sense that you mentally distanced yourself."

"I suppose," I agreed grudgingly.

She lay her head back down, and took a deep breath. "Killing criminals sounds like it probably was the best choice you could have made. Why did you… that's not what you do anymore. Why?"

* * *

**A/N: Tomorrow we'll find out why, and some other interesting things. You'll also see why I gave the poor guy such an evil creator. I posted a picture of Emilie to my Tumblr, so check it out. Thanks for the reviews- I love knowing what you guys think!**


	6. Revelation

6\. Revelation

.

I unthinkingly pinched the bridge of my nose. I was never going to make it through this part without her fleeing, and rightfully so. "That's a bit of a long story. I need to tell you some more about my existence first, then I'll get to that part. All right?"

"Okay," she agreed slowly.

"As I said, I hunted criminals for several decades. I had—still have—a very solitary existence. My experience with Tredan made me wary of other vampires, and thanks to my talent I have been mostly able to avoid them. I've only met four others over the years, and to be honest, I spent as little time with them as possible. They didn't seem malicious, but except for one very talkative one that I met in 1992, they weren't any more eager for company than I was. Any true interaction with humans was out, of course, because of my eyes, so I couldn't go to college or get a job, or do anything really interesting. The weather can be unpredictable, so that limited what I could do by day. I traveled to different parts of the world, seeing what I could by night and learning various foreign languages. I would break into libraries or book stores and spend the night reading new books and magazines. During the winters I would stay in vacant summer homes, read every book and magazine in the place, try and figure out the games or any new technology. I yearned to be mentally stimulated, to have challenges, goals to meet, and there was just… nothing. I had an eternity of monotony stretching out before me. Nothing was ever going to change; my existence was nothing but death and blood and hiding, without any end in sight."

"Edward," Bella said very quietly, without any inflection in her voice. "Please tell me you didn't change your methods because you were bored."

Her hand was gripping my arm so tightly now that I was surprised she hadn't broken her fingernails. I craned my neck so I could press a kiss to her head, while I still could, and closed my eyes. I confessed rapidly, "One day in 1956, some vampires were passing by about a mile or so from where I was hidden. I heard them, through my mind-reading, debating the merits of adrenaline in sweetening human blood. One of them was insisting that blood grew sweeter the longer adrenaline was in it and I thought that maybe I could experiment with the idea, that it would be a challenge to occupy my mind. I thought I could set it up like a scientific…" My voice trailed off as Bella let go of my arm and hand as though they burned her, and rolled away from me onto her back.

"You. Were. Bored." Her voice was low and outraged as she bit out the words, and I flinched. "You started killing innocent people because you were _bored_?!"

I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. "I didn't think of it in those terms, but yes."

"Well, in what terms did you think of it then, Edward?" she snapped.

I opened my mouth, then shut it. With a growing sense of horror, I realized that I hadn't thought about it in any terms. I hadn't thought about the ramifications at all.

My voice was slow now, halting, as I tried to make sense of it for myself as well. "I hadn't thought of humans in terms of innocent or evil, or killing them in terms of right and wrong for a very long time. I was still hunting criminals, but it was more out of habit than any… any moral conviction. At that point, I had long stopped thinking of humans as anything more than food. All those years of needing to kill to survive… you get to the point where you're not even rationalizing it anymore. It's just something you do." I added, instinctively defensive even as I knew I was indefensible, "I mean, I have rules for myself. I don't brutalize people, I don't kill children, or the elderly, or parents—good parents, anyway—I try not to be a mindless beast, but I am a _vampire_, Bella! And humans. Are. Food!" I scrubbed my hands over my face and tried to make myself stop talking, but despite my efforts still flung at her, "My God, if there was anything else I could eat, don't you think I would have done it?!"

We lay there side by side for a long time, our harsh breaths sounding wrong against the peaceful backdrop of birdsong and moving water. I expected the next words out of her mouth to be a demand to be taken back to her truck, so it surprised me when she said in an unsteady voice, "I don't want to know about your experiments or what you did to… to increase adrenaline in people. Not now, anyway. That's not what you're doing now, so why did you change your… method again?"

I didn't want to put her through this anymore. I didn't want to put myself through it. I loathed myself more with every word that came from my mouth. How had I ever done such horrendous things? How had I gone from the vampire who tried to kill himself to the despicable creature I now am?

I had slowly transformed into the evil monster that I had feared I already was when I first woke to this life, and somehow I_ hadn't noticed_.

I clawed my fingers into the earth, wanting to scream. How had I not noticed?

I had promised I wouldn't lie to her and I would keep that promise, but I didn't want to spend our last moments together inflicting pain on her. I just wanted to lay here beside her for as long as she would allow it, before I must spend the rest of her life so far away from her that I couldn't smell her beautiful, floral scent or feel the warmth from her skin.

"Can't we just stop this?" I asked, the desperation of my thoughts staining my voice. "What are we accomplishing here?"

"You promised you'd tell me," she replied stiffly.

I rolled over, leaning up on my elbow so I could see her face. Her eyes were closed but there were tears on her lashes. "This is hurting you. I don't want to..." _make you hate me_, I thought helplessly, knowing it was already too late. "...burden you with this."

"If you don't tell me, I'll always wonder. I'll just imagine something worse. It won't kill me." Her voice turned scathing. "Unlike _you_."

It felt as if she'd reached over with her small, powerless hands and somehow ripped a gaping hole in my chest. I blindly lay back down and tried to remember how to breathe.

Long seconds dragged by before her breath hitched once, and then again. After the third time I heard her roll towards me. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She was crying now. Again. How many times would I make her cry? "I shouldn't have said that. I'm just having a hard time with… you spent time with me, and got to know me, and slept with me, and it was all just because you were _bored_. You didn't… I mean, I already knew it didn't mean anything to you, that you didn't actually care about me, but I—"

"I love you," I interjected dully.

I hadn't intended to ever tell her, but it was unconscionable to allow her to think that knowing her was meaningless. Knowing her was the most important, the most marvelous thing that had ever happened to me.

There was a long silence. Finally, she whispered, "What?"

"I love you. I realized it last night after you fell back to sleep, realized that was why everything was so different with you. Because it _was_ different, Bella, from the beginning. I would hear myself do the most bizarre things, like tell you my real name, or tease you, or give you a genuine opinion rather than what I thought you wanted to hear, and I'd be completely taken aback. I felt so… unsettled, so unlike myself the entire time, and everything you did and said was so surprising, so intriguing. I told myself it was because I couldn't hear your mind, but it wasn't." I turned my head to meet her eyes. "It was just _you_. You fascinate me."

She replied faintly, her eyes wide, "I thought it was just all your plan?"

I snorted. I couldn't help myself. "I tried to stick to my plan, but I would end up so far off it and have no idea how I got there. It was bewildering. I planned to kill you four times, Bella. Four! The first time was here in the meadow two weeks ago, and had I done it then it still would have been longer than I had ever spent with any of… well, with anyone at all, since Tredan. When I left on Monday, and said I'd be gone for a few days? I wasn't going to come back. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I didn't like it and I just wanted to get far away from you. But the farther I got, the more uncomfortable I felt. I was edgy, anxious almost. I thought maybe it was because I hadn't finished things here, so early last evening I began running back…" I closed my eyes, feeling ashamed. "You know what happened then."

Her fingertips drifted over my cheek, leaving trails of heat in their wake. I had felt the warmth coming or it else it might have startled me. It was still so strange being with someone whose mind I couldn't read, whose actions I couldn't foresee.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" I muttered, my eyelids firmly shut.

"I love you, too."

My eyes flew open, and I stared at her in horror. She had the gall to smile at me. "You can't! How can you— after what I—you know what I am and—"

"I can, and I do," she interrupted calmly.

"But—"

"Edward," she interrupted again. "I love you. Just accept it."

I gaped at her, and she flopped back down with an exasperated huff.

After a minute I gave up both trying to understand her unfathomable mind and trying not to touch her, and rested the back of my hand against hers.

She turned her head and smiled brightly at me, her fingers twining with mine. She was a completely irrational, incomprehensible creature. "I've been wanting to tell you, there were new kids at school on Wednesday."

What on earth had that to do with anything?

"Yes?" I prompted.

"I think they're vampires."

* * *

**A/N: Vampires at her school? How could that be? ;) Do you think Edward will believe her? Bit of a rollercoaster of a chapter, I know. The dates in this are kind of important- his nomad timeline is** **1919-1956 hunted criminals, 1956-1980 adrenaline, 1980- 1992 betrayal via criminal, 1992-2005 betrayal via "relationship." Next chapter will be up on Monday- hope you all have a great weekend!  
**


	7. Disbelief

7\. Disbelief

.

I stared at Bella, astonished. "You think… what? Why?"

"They're from a new family in town— it's so nice not being the center of attention anymore! I wish they'd come sooner. The father's a doctor and took a job at the hospital; he and his wife are young, but she can't have children so they've adopted or fostered these four teenagers. According to Jessica, anyway. There was more; she and Lauren went on and on, but I don't remember all of it."

She giggled at the face I pulled. She knew Jessica and Lauren were not my favorites among her classmates.

"Anyway, as soon as I saw them, they reminded me of you. They're pale and beautiful—the blonde girl is almost as beautiful as you are—and the way they move, they're so graceful. They all have old-fashioned names, and I don't think they ate anything at lunch the three days they were there. Their eyes are strange though, they're golden, almost. And their eyes are all the same color; how could that be if they aren't related? I think the two blondes are siblings, but the other two aren't supposed to be related at all."

I wanted to laugh, but restrained myself since I didn't want to hurt her feelings. "Do you hear what you're saying?" I asked gently. "The father is a doctor at the hospital? How could he be a vampire and constantly risk being exposed to flowing blood? Even when you're not thirsty, fresh blood is very difficult to resist. And if they were vampires, why would the teenagers go to high school? If it were college, perhaps I could understand, but _high school_? And their eyes… Bella, vampires' eyes are red or black, or somewhere in between. I've never heard of vampires with eyes any other color."

"Oh," she said, deflated. "Oh well."

"You sound disappointed," I teased her. "Surely you don't want there to be vampires attending your school?"

"Well, no, not really," she admitted. "But if they _were_ vampires I was thinking that you could talk to them, find out how they change their eye color, and it would make it easier for you to blend in. You'd be able to do more things that you want to do— even go to college! You could stay in the area or come visit and…" She faltered into silence under my disbelieving gaze.

"Bella, you can't seriously expect me to stay with you?" I was sorry for my aghast tone when I saw the expression on her face, but really! What was she thinking?

She rolled away from me, onto her back, her cheeks a fiery red. She tried to pull her hand from mine, but I wouldn't let her. "I… I guess I shouldn't have expected… But when you said… I mean, I understand if you don't want to…"

"I didn't mean it like that," I snapped. Ridiculous girl—how could she even think I didn't want her? "Of course I _want_ to. But I'm a monster, Bella, a foul undead beast. I don't deserve to stay with you." I could see the stubbornness in the set of her lips and cut her off before she could speak. "You deserve better than me. You deserve someone good, who has the same kind of brightness inside him as you have. Someone who can be with you in the sunlight, who can give you children." I shoved down the pain, and continued, my voice hard, "Someone you can tell people about, who you don't have to hide. Someone you can be safe with. Someone good, not someone like me."

That adorable furrow was back between her brows. "What do you mean, not someone like you? There's nothing wrong with you."

It took all my self-control to keep my face expressionless. "Have you not been listening to anything I've been telling you? And how could you so quickly forget what I almost did to you?"

She sat up and scowled down at me, saying fiercely, "You don't _have_ to be bad. You've made some horrible choices, but you don't have to keep making them. You can choose whether to be good or evil."

I gave up. There was no way to keep the disbelief out of my expression or my voice as I told her slowly, "Bella, I am a _vampire_. I have to kill humans to survive. I cannot be good— by my very nature, I am incapable of it! Are you insane?"

There was a surprising amount of relief in asking her that.

Of course she ignored the question, insisting hotly, "I know there's good in you. You wouldn't be sorry for what you've done if there wasn't. And if becoming a vampire made you inherently evil you wouldn't have hated Tredan, or saved Emilie, or—don't you look at me like that!" She jabbed her finger into my chest with enough force that I had a fleeting concern that she may have injured herself. "You did save her!"

"If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have been there in the first place," I told her stonily.

"It wasn't your fault!" she cried. "It was Tredan's fault for being so… so… despicable! He was trying to hurt you, and he did and I'm so sorry, but don't you dare say you didn't save her—if it weren't for you she would have died a horrible, terrifying death!"

"She may have still died a horrible death," I pointed out inflexibly, trying to keep the pain from my voice.

"Even if she did, at least it was in a place where she was safe and taken care of, because you cared enough about her to _save _her," Bella insisted. "If you were evil, or a monster, or whatever other horrible thing you think about yourself, why would you have done that?"

I opened my mouth to respond, then realized I could hear someone's thoughts. No, two people… thinking about hunting… approaching quickly… too quickly to be human. The wind blew their scents toward me and I reacted instinctively; in less than a second we were across the meadow, with Bella's back pressed against a tree and myself in a defensive crouch before her.

"Edward?" she whispered. Her heart was racing.

"Shh," I whispered back. "Just be very still. And try to calm down."

Two vampires burst through the trees, stopping short at the sight of us. Dear God, how was I going to be able to save her? One was so big, the biggest vampire I'd ever seen, and the other was literally covered in scars. He'd obviously survived hundreds of battles. How could I protect her from both of them?

I dug into their thoughts. They had smelled me, old scents in the forest, but had approached from a different direction than we had and hadn't realized I was here now. They were surprised, and cautious, but there was no malice in them—maybe they didn't yet realize that Bella was human.

"Oh shit," the big one said. "Jasper, that's Bella Swan." Images of her flittered through his mind. She was at a table with some other humans, in what appeared to be a school cafeteria.

Wait. School?

I looked at their eyes. They were golden.

She was right.

There were _vampires_ at her _school_.

If we survived this, she was never going back there. We were going to leave this town and go somewhere safe.

"Listen, dude," the big vampire said soothingly, "I don't know Bella, but she seems like a nice girl. You need to move away from her."

I crouched lower, digging the toes of my shoes into the ground to give me more thrust when I lunged, and growled menacingly. Bella whimpered behind me.

"You're scaring her, man. Just relax. You don't want to hurt her."

He continued on in that vein, his mind saying the same thing as his mouth, except for one fleeting thought which made no sense to me: _Damn it, if we have to move already Rose is going to be pissed_.

The scarred vampire was contemplating emotions, which I found an extremely strange thing to do at a time like this. _Panic… fear… surprise… horror… determination… desperation… confusion… protectiveness… love…_

He looked surprised at that last thought. "Uh, Emmett, I don't think what's happening is what we thought was happening."

Had those been my emotions he was thinking about?

The vampire named Emmett laughed loudly. "You sound like that guy in _The Princess Bride_! 'You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.'"

The vampire named Jasper sighed. "Whatever, Em. You can stand down. I don't think Bella's in any danger." He looked at me assessingly. "She's not in any danger, correct?"

I stayed in my crouch. "Not from me."

"Then she's not in danger at all," Emmett said cheerfully, in his booming voice. "I'm Emmett, this is Jasper. We live nearby. And you are?"

I straightened from my crouch almost despite myself. "I'm—" My head snapped slightly to the right. "Someone's calling me."

Why had I said that? I had never, in my entire existence, let slip _any_ indication that I could read minds.

"What? I didn't hear anything," Emmett protested.

"No, I hear her," I heard myself say. I felt unnaturally relaxed for the situation we were in; in fact, I felt more relaxed than I could ever remember being as a vampire. I frowned at Jasper. He could feel emotions—could he project them, too?

He felt my suspicion and looked at me thoughtfully. _Wow, that was fast. I don't think anyone's ever realized so quickly what I could do. I wonder if Alice is right about him being a telepath. He's definitely gifted in some way._

I fought to keep my face impassive, although I may as well not have bothered since my shock and fear clearly registered in his mind. Who was Alice, and how did she know anything about me?

This was a debacle. I needed to get Bella out of here.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Edward. LOL Obviously, I've had the Cullens arrive in Forks a couple of months after Bella did, since they would have smelled Edward around the town (and possibly on Bella) long before now, and he would have smelled them and likely have moved on from Forks before ever singling Bella out. The next chapters of this will be up on Wednesday and Friday, and hopefully I'll have the next chapter of The World Itself posted by the weekend. Thanks for the reviews- I love knowing what you guys think!**


	8. Alice

8\. Alice

.

Before I could say or do anything, a tiny female vampire ran gracefully into the clearing. "Edward!" she cried, her voice full of delight. "Finally! I've been waiting _forever_ for you to get here!" She dashed up and hugged me. I sagged under the lethargy Jasper threw at me, and he and Bella hissed in unison.

Wait. Bella hissed?

The female vampire let out a musical laugh. "Silly Bella." She danced over to Jasper and threw her arms around him. "Don't worry, Jazz. This is _Edward_! He'd never hurt me."

I stared at them:

Emmett pacing and muttering under his breath about why, why, _why_ could he and Jasper not have a good manly hunt without one of their wives horning in?

Jasper holding the female, apparently the Alice he'd been thinking of, up off the ground against him, watching me warily over her shoulder while he murmured that she had to be more careful, that no matter what she thought, she didn't really know me.

Alice stroking Jasper's head soothingly, telling him that everything was going to be fine, that she'd _seen_ it.

These were the strangest vampires I'd ever encountered. Perhaps they weren't really vampires? They did have those odd yellow eyes. They smelled like vampires, though, and moved like them.

I gave myself a mental kick. What they were was irrelevant right now, because regardless of the answer Bella wasn't safe with them. I reached behind me and took her hand, starting to inch us behind the tree, keeping tabs on everyone's minds.

Damn it, Alice saw us.

_No, wait_, I thought, frowning. She saw us farther into the woods, not here next to the tree. I watched myself toss Bella onto my back and start running, and with a great deal of surprise realized what was happening. Alice wasn't seeing us _now_, she was seeing us in the _future_.

The image went away as I stopped moving, and my eyes flew to meet hers.

She was back on the ground now, standing next to Jasper and smiling at me. "You see? I told you we've been waiting for you."

I blinked. "That was… wow."

"What is it, Edward?" Bella whispered.

"Alice can see the future. And Jasper's an empath—he can feel and project emotions."

"What about me?" Emmett demanded.

"Emmett's the largest, and probably the strongest, vampire I've ever seen."

He grinned widely, satisfied with my assessment, and I was stunned to realize that I liked him. He was so honest that his mind was practically a pleasure to read. Except for the one mental comment about Rose, whoever she was, he said exactly what he thought.

I turned my attention back to Alice. "How long have you seen me coming?" I focused more heavily on her mind, while still keeping tabs on the others, to ensure she was telling the truth. The more information I could gather about their intentions and what they knew of me, the better.

"You were supposed to meet us in 1956, 1973, 1980, and then again in 1992. For a while I saw you with Carlisle and Esme before Jasper and I found them in 1950—before I found Jasper even! That was back in the late thirties."

I stiffened as I heard the dates, my mind barely registering the rest of what she said. I verified slowly, "1956, 1980, and 1992? You're sure?"

Alice nodded. Jasper stepped protectively in front of her, not liking that my emotions had shifted, and I reflexively pushed Bella further behind me. Alice side-stepped so she could see me, a frown of confusion on her face. "And '38 and '73. Why?"

"Just checking," I said with forced blandness.

Bella gasped nearly silently behind me as she realized the significance of the dates, and asked quietly, "Edward… 1992, was that when—"

"Yes," I responded, my voice tight. She sighed and ran her free hand soothingly up and down my arm, and I tried not to revel in the comfort it gave me. I needed to keep my wits about me. With great interest, Jasper registered the calming effect Bella had on my emotions. He and Alice were a formidable pair; I wondered which of them was the coven leader.

Part of my mind seemed stuck on the fact that I had missed meeting them so many times, and I wasn't certain why. Just because I hadn't encountered them during years that I had made terrible decisions didn't necessarily mean that meeting them would have made my life any better. After all, I hadn't done anything exceptionally reprehensible on the other years she cited, yet I hadn't met them those years either. There was no rational reason for the shock and regret I felt.

Alice broke the silence, saying merrily, "You should come to the house and meet everyone! Carlisle and Esme will be so happy you're finally here."

It finally occurred to me just how many different names had been bandied about. "Wait, how many of you are there?"

"There are six of us; you still need to meet Carlisle and Esme—Carlisle's the head of our family—and Rosalie, Emmett's mate." Alice had begun bouncing on her toes a little, her mind happy.

_Six?_ I had never encountered such a large coven. I had thought only the Volturi lived in such a large group. And I was shaken to hear that neither she nor Jasper were the leader- what talent could this Carlisle possibly have that outstripped theirs?

I smiled politely at her, trying to hide my panic—though of course it was a fruitless effort around Jasper. "Thank you, but no. I need to get Bella home."

What I needed to do was get Bella somewhere safe. I ground my teeth as fuzzy visions of me spiriting Bella out of town flashed through Alice's head. Would I never be able to keep a secret around her?

Her brow furrowed and her bouncing slowed. "You can bring her with you if you want. We won't hurt her."

"Alice, I mean no offense, but I can't take her into the home of six vampires." Even if I knew that I could handle whatever talents the others might have, there was no possible way I would expose Bella to that much danger.

"So take her home and then come over," Emmett suggested. "If Alice thinks you're coming you may as well cooperate." He added enthusiastically, "Besides, we need another man to tip the balance of power!"

Jasper laughed, Alice scoffed, and I, inexplicably, felt a tiny smile tilt my lips. I'd never encountered vampires like these. I had seen humans interact this way, but never vampires. They were just so strange.

"I'm sorry, but I can't leave her alone in a town with six vampires, either. Six! Going to high school even! This is the most bizarre town. What's next, werewolves?" The three of them exchanged glances, and I groaned. "You have got to be joking. Please tell me you're joking."

"Well, there were some back in the thirties, shape shifters actually, not true werewolves, but we don't think they're around anymore," Emmett explained.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and watched the visions of me fleeing town with Bella grow clearer. "No. I've got to keep her safe. I'm not leaving her alone."

"You can't leave town with her, Edward," Alice exclaimed, her bouncing ceased. "Not now that you're finally here! You _have_ to stay."

"I have to keep her safe, Alice!"

She glowered at me, her eyebrows drawn together in her small face, and snapped, "The only creature she's been in danger from here is you, last night!"

* * *

**A/N: So what does Alice know, and why didn't she do anything about it? In case you forgot the significance of the dates, in 1956 Edward started experimenting with adrenaline, in 1980 he switched to betrayal via criminal, and in 1992 to betrayal via false relationship. He hadn't told Bella about the last date yet, which is why it took her a moment to realize the significance of it. The next update with be either Friday night or Saturday- Friday is shaping up to be a much busier day than I anticipated. **


	9. Surprise

9\. Surprise

.

I took a step backwards, shame and humiliation coursing through me. I heard surprised awareness dawn in Jasper's mind, then his startled gaze flew to the girl at my side as he registered the change in her emotions.

Bella's grasp on my hand tightened and she moved forward next to me, saying in a hard voice, "That's none of your business, Alice." I saw her face through the others' eyes as she stared them all down, human to vampire. She was magnificent. "That's none of any of your business. It's between Edward and me. Don't ever throw it in his face again."

I could feel her starting to tremble so I dropped her hand and wrapped my arm around her, pulling her closely into my side, and kissed her head. Her hand slid behind me and fisted into my shirt.

There was a long moment of silence, during which none of them had the angry reaction I expected them to have. Jasper was astonished by Bella's strong protective feelings of me, especially considering what he'd just realized about last night and the fear he could feel from her; Alice anxiously checked the future to ensure that her outburst didn't cause me to leave; and Emmett eyed Bella's tiny, weak form with amusement. Finally he started laughing. "Oh, I like her! Come on, Edward, you _have_ to bring her to the house."

Strange, _seriously_ strange vampires.

"Why don't we call them and have them meet us here," Alice said quietly. Her face was ashamed. "Would that be all right, Edward?"

I looked at Bella and she shrugged. "I don't think they're going to hurt us."

"Okay," I said slowly. "I guess that would be all right."

Jasper pulled out a cellphone and dialed, walking to the other side of the meadow to talk.

Alice called after him, "Ask them to bring a couple of blankets and some food for Bella, will you Jazz? The temperature is going to start dropping later this afternoon as that storm front moves in, and Bella will be hungry soon."

"Sure, darlin'." He smiled at her, then turned his attention to the phone. "Carlisle. Alice found Edward. … Yes. … No, he has his mate with him and doesn't want to come to the house until he meets everyone, so can you all meet us here?" After receiving an affirmative response he told him what Alice had asked them to bring. "Because she's still human. … Yes. … No. She's Chief Swan's daughter, Bella."

Alice called my name, drawing my attention away from Jasper. I kept part of my mind on his conversation though, both out of well-practiced caution and because something about Carlisle's voice was niggling at my memory.

"Edward, Bella, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I promise, I'm usually much better at keeping quiet about what I see."

How much had she seen of my activities over the past sixty-some years? Did she know everything I'd done? I couldn't deny that the thought of her knowing everything made me very uneasy, especially as I didn't know what she had told others in her coven about me. But more importantly…

"Alice, if you saw what I was going to do last night, why didn't you try to stop me?" It sounded like an irrational question, considering that we were vampires and killing humans was what we did, but had she not known that Bella was my mate? How exactly did her visions works?

"I wanted to," she said softly. "But everything I thought of doing ended… badly."

I saw flashes in her head of different visions, image after image of Bella dead; of me torn apart; of the outside wall of Bella's bedroom ripped open and her house partially destroyed; of her father screaming outside in the street, held back by some men as the house burned, not realizing Bella was already dead inside it…

I shuddered, and held Bella tighter. She reached up and threaded the fingers of her free hand through mine, her other hand rubbing soothing patterns on my back. Even though she didn't know why I was upset, she still immediately moved to comfort me. I didn't deserve her.

Jasper appeared next to Alice, having finished his call. _Remarkable_, he thought. _I hadn't known that humans could feel the mating bond_.

I just nodded in response. Bella was remarkable.

Alice continued silently, _I could see there was a chance you wouldn't kill her, and since everything I thought of ended with her dead… I wish there was something I could have done_.

"But when did you know?" Bella asked in a small voice. "I mean, when I met you at school the other day did you know then what was going to happen?"

"No!" Alice exclaimed, dismayed. Images of her being friends with my Bella flickered rapidly through her mind before she pushed them away, and to my surprise I realized that she actually wanted a friendship with her. "Bella, I promise I didn't. I didn't even have the vision of what might happen until last night, and I didn't realize it was you with him until after he was already there. That was when I tried to think of a way to stop it. I didn't even know he was here in Forks until then—he could have been anywhere. Well, anywhere with pine trees and in the English-speaking world; I could see the trees outside your window and some of the books in your room. My visions are… limited, I suppose you could say. The closer things are, the clearer my visions become, but I never see everything and sometimes it's hard to tell when something is going to happen. There are very few things that are definite: me finding Jasper, the two of us joining the Carlisle's family, and Edward coming to live with us being the notable exceptions; usually my visions are based on decisions. When someone makes a decision, or changes their mind, the vision changes."

"So, when Edward decided to come back and…" Bella's voice trailed off.

"Yes," Alice agreed. She flicked her eyes over our faces, Bella's subdued and mine remorseful, and continued, "Edward, I saw you occasionally since we missed meeting you in '92, but I only started seeing you regularly again when we decided to move here. I hoped it meant we were close to finally meeting you." _But then the past month or so I didn't see you with us anymore. Instead, I saw you wandering, visiting an unmarked grave over and over. That future went away last night, when you decided not to kill her._ I saw myself in her head, curled up in a slight depression in the ground, my face a rictus of grief. Alice's eyes were wide and pained in her small face. _Killing her would have destroyed you. I'm so glad you didn't do it._

"What?" Bella asked.

"Nothing that's important anymore," Alice said, smiling.

I pressed my face to Bella's hair, breathing her in.

"Oh, no, that mind meld thing you guys have going on won't be annoying at _all_," she muttered sarcastically.

Alice laughed merrily, Jasper smiled at his mate's return to cheerfulness, and Emmett groaned as he thought about what it would be like.

"You won't be the only one to think so!" Alice leaned closer and tapped her temple, her eyes dancing. "I know."

I watched through Alice's mind as Bella rolled her eyes, and grinned against her head.

"I feel you smiling, Edward Anthony Masen," she informed me, amusement breaking through her attempt at sternness. "Don't think you can get away with everything."

Emmett started laughing. "You're in trouble now, dude. You've got to watch out when they full-name you." Bella giggled and he turned his attention to her, asking persuasively, "So, what happened last night?"

I opened my mouth to fend him off, but she beat me to it. "None of your business, remember?"

"Aw, come on, Bella! Alice never tells me anything."

Well, that was a relief. I hoped she kept to that policy with everyone.

Alice protested, "I tell you everything you need to know."

"Yeah, but never any of the interesting stuff!" He looked at Bella again, his eyes hopeful beneath the dark curls tumbled on his forehead, looking for all the world like no more than a child pleading for extra dessert as opposed to the huge vampire he was.

"Nope," Bella replied cheerfully. Her shoulders had relaxed beneath my arm as we talked to him. He clearly had the same disarming effect on her as he did on me.

I tensed as I heard three minds rapidly approaching, my eyes turning to the same part of the forest Jasper and Emmett had emerged from half an hour ago.

A tall blonde appeared first, presumably the one Bella had said was almost as beautiful as me, and came to a halt at Emmett's side. He grinned at her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Rose, this is Edward and Bella. You remember Bella from school?"

"Rosalie," she said coolly. "Nice to meet you." Her eyes flicked over Bella a little disdainfully. _Foolish girl. Does she even know what she's getting into?_

"A pleasure," I lied, then continued smoothly, "And yes, she does."

She looked startled, and I stared at her, my face expressionless except for a faint smile on my lips.

Emmett told her, "Edward can read minds, babe, just like Alice thought. Pretty cool, huh?"

She made a noncommittal noise. _No, not really_. Her eyes flew again to mine and she thought in frustration, _Damn it, this is going to be really irritating_.

With great effort, I refrained from smirking at her.

The second female stood before me, her eyes glowing with happiness. "Oh, Edward, I'm so pleased to finally meet you! It's been so long since Alice told us… And you have a mate! Bella, I'm happy to meet you, as well." She gestured to the bag she was carrying. "I brought you some food—it's just some fruit and cheese, and crackers. Oh, and water, too. I hope that's all right."

"It's great, thank you," Bella said, sounding a little overwhelmed.

I could see in the woman's mind that she wanted to hug us and I smiled genuinely at her, liking her immediately. "It's very nice to meet you," I told her earnestly, and reached to take the bag from her.

"And you." She clasped her hands in front of herself, smiling widely. "Oh, I should have said! I'm Esme, Carlisle's wife." She turned her head as though surprised he wasn't next to her.

The last vampire, a fair-haired man who looked like he was about my height, stood unmoving at the edge of the clearing, with two blankets held under his arm and his eyes fixed on my face.

"It _is_ you," he whispered, when he saw me looking at him. _I had hoped, but I didn't truly think…_

I stared back at him, wide-eyed. I could see myself in his head. As a human.

* * *

**A/N: If you want to know what kind of life Edward would have had after killing Bella, you can find out in my one-shot Betrayal Sweetens the Blood-needless to say, it doesn't have a HEA. Thanks for the reviews, favs, follows, etc! Next chapter will be up on Monday, and we'll see what Carlisle has to say. :)  
**


	10. Fear

10\. Fear

.

There were fuzzy images in my head, memories from when I volunteered at Cook County Hospital and when I was a patient. I knew this man. Even though I had yet to see anything beside the shocked expressionless mask currently on his face, I knew what he looked like smiling, and how he looked when he was distressed. I knew he was kind.

"Edward?" Bella asked, concerned. I could see myself through the others' eyes, that I had the same blankness on my face as Carlisle did.

I strained to remember his name, asking haltingly, "Doctor… Doctor Cuddin… no… Cullen? Doctor Cullen?"

"You remember me?" he asked. His voice was so familiar.

"Very little," I admitted distractedly. "Disjointed images, mostly. But your voice..."

Bits of memories were racing through his mind, though he seemed to be trying to stop them, recollections of me in my old-fashioned clothing, my hair trying to escape whatever I had used to smooth it down, smiling pleasantly as I was introduced to him; of watching me from a distance as I worked amongst the wounded and shell-shocked men; of me struggling to breathe in a hospital bed, face nearly black with the bruising common to Spanish influenza victims; of me laying on a narrow sofa, screaming…

And with that, I realized exactly why his voice sounded so familiar.

"You… were you… you were there when Tredan changed me?" I saw myself through his eyes, my expression turned to fear and panic as I began slowly moving backwards, my arm around Bella moving her with me. I had remembered him as kind, but how could that be so if he was affiliated with Tredan?

We weren't safe.

"Tredan?" he asked, sounding strangely afraid. "Edward, is that who took you?"

He knew Tredan. He knew him. Couldn't stay here. Not safe. Bella. Bella wasn't safe. I moved faster, pulling her with me.

"Edward?"

They were all talking, all thinking. Too much. A clamor. Jasper tried to take my terror. No. Not safe.

"Edward, wait!"

Bella stumbled. I caught her. Too roughly. Must be gentle. I put her on my back. Not safe.

"Edward, Tredan didn't change you! I did!"

Almost to the trees.

"Tredan wasn't there when I did it. I never knew who took you. I searched, but couldn't find you."

I slowed.

"Please, just let me tell you what I know, then you can leave if you still want to. _Please_, Edward."

I was calming, but I wasn't sure if it was due to Jasper's talent or Carlisle's desperate sincerity. Perhaps both. Bella's gasping breaths were hot against my neck.

"Bella?" I demanded. The tinge of fear in my voice angered me. I knew better than to show emotion.

"We won't hurt her," Carlisle promised. "I swear it, Edward. She's safe with us."

I stood there undecided, still inclined to just turn and run. If it was only me perhaps I would stay, but I had Bella to consider.

Alice spoke up, her voice tremulous. "Edward, if you make the decision to stay I can show you what will happen. That way you can know for certain she'll be safe."

"I can change my mind if I want to?" I still didn't know what talents the others had.

"Of course," she said gently. "No one will make you do anything you don't want to do."

I instinctively checked everyone's minds to verify that, and while there was nothing to contradict it I was genuinely surprised at what I did find. Emotions were high, running the gamut from distress to fury, but all of it was on my behalf. Carlisle was frightened I would leave, Jasper was mentally weary from fighting my terror, and they both were angry about how I must have been treated to panic so. Alice and even Rosalie were shaken. Esme was nearly crying, thinking over and over, _What did that creature do to him? That monster; what did he do? _Emmett was at the other end of the spectrum, his jaw and fists clenched even as he cradled Rosalie against his chest, his mind fixed on all the different ways he wanted to exterminate Tredan.

"Too late," I said. Everyone looked at me, confused. "I already destroyed him."

"_Good_," someone snarled viciously. I was shocked to realize it was Esme.

"Amen to that," Bella muttered into my skin. Alice and Rosalie growled their agreement.

There was a long silence, then Emmett began to chuckle. "He's lucky he's already dead, 'cause I don't think he'd want our women unleashed on him. Us guys could just stand around and watch, maybe catch the little pieces. It would be awesome!"

As usual, his amusement eased the tension. I tentatively decided to stay and saw the visions in Alice's mind: all of us standing as Carlisle talked, then sitting, Bella wrapped in a blanket and nibbling on crackers while the conversation continued.

"Very well," I said. "We'll stay to hear what you have to say. But you all remain over there." I crouched so Bella could easily get off my back and told her to take off her jacket so I could check her arm where I'd grabbed her to stop her fall. She resisted, of course, but after a minute of fruitless arguing she sighed in exasperation and complied.

I pushed up the short sleeve of her shirt and then shut my eyes, the distinct blue handprint on her skin dancing behind my lids. I released her as though she burned me.

"Stop it, Edward."

I didn't reply. What was there to say? I had hurt her. She began tugging on the front of my shirt, and I allowed her to pull me down so she didn't further injure herself in the attempt. When I felt her breath on my face I opened my eyes to see her glowering at me from three inches away.

"It's just a bruise," she insisted slowly. "I'm _fine_."

"I hurt you."

She cast her eyes up to heaven, looking supremely irritated. "If I'd hit the ground it would have hurt worse. For crying out loud, stop worrying."

"Are you certain it doesn't hurt? I didn't injure you anywhere else?"

"I'm fine!"

"Dude, she just used that arm to yank on your shirt so it can't hurt that much." Emmett pointed out.

_She's not in any pain_, Jasper confirmed. _She is getting plenty aggravated with you though_.

I sighed in defeat and held her jacket up so she could slide her arms back into the sleeves. "I'm sorry." There were so many different ways she could take that, so many things I was sorry for. I assumed she would think I was apologizing for upsetting her, but somehow she knew exactly what I meant.

She pulled me back down, this time with her warm hand behind my neck, and kissed me. "I know you didn't intend to hurt me, Edward."

I rested my forehead against hers, wishing I didn't need her so much, that I could do the best thing for her and let her go. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I could hear the smile in her voice. She must be crazy, smiling about a loving a creature like myself.

_Amazing_, Carlisle thought. _She isn't afraid of him at all. Even though he's a—_

I knew what I was, what we all were, and cut him off. "No. She never has been. A little cautious at first, but never afraid."

Esme sighed happily, her mind filled with romance, and I barely refrained from snorting. Our story was hardly the stuff of legend.

"Amazing," Carlisle repeated. He gave himself a mental shake. "Well. Shall I begin?"

"I have a question first, if I may."

"Of course, Edward." _You can ask me anything._

"I know of Alice and Jasper's, but what other talents does your coven possess?" I didn't want to be taken surprise by anything.

"None."

"None?" I asked incredulously. "What of your own talent? You must have one."

He chuckled. "I assure you, I don't."

That was impossible. Alice had said that she and Jasper "found" the Cullens, and the context implied that they had intentionally sought out Carlisle's coven. As powerful as they were, what incentive could they have possibly had to do so if there were no other talents in the coven? There was nothing in the others' minds to indicate that Carlisle was lying; in fact, most of them were wondering why I was so certain that he was talented.

Only Jasper understood. _I know it doesn't make sense yet_, he thought. _I didn't understand at first either; I only stayed because Alice wanted to. Just give him time, and you'll understand why he's worth following_.

I nodded at Jasper infinitesimally. "Very well," I told Carlisle. "What do you know of my transformation?"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to those I told Carlisle would get to explain this chapter, but there was so much going on with Edward that it got too long. Kind of like this day- too long and too much going on. ;) Thanks for the reviews, favs, follows, etc. Next chapter on Wednesday! **


	11. Carlisle

11\. Carlisle

.

At some point Carlisle had made his way over to Esme. He stood there next to her, one hand holding hers and the other casually in his pocket. Everything about his stance screamed human, and from a distance that was what I would assume he was.

Looking around the clearing I realized that was true of all of them: they blinked, they fidgeted, they twitched. With seeming thoughtlessness, Emmett played with Rosalie's hair and Alice smoothed her blouse, then ghosted her fingers over Jasper's hand. Their mannerisms were all human. It must be something they worked at to enable them to blend among humans, but I still didn't understand to what end. Why did they strive so hard to appear other than they are? And why _high school_? That still made no sense to me.

I made a mental note to find out later, and leaving part of my brain to keep tabs on everyone's mind and Bella's heart rate, turned the rest to Carlisle.

"I'll be happy to tell you my full story later," he began, "but for now suffice it to say that I had been alone for a very long time, over two hundred fifty years. I had been unable to find a companion among my own kind, and although for some time I had been considering creating one, I could never bring myself to do it. I thought it a very selfish, and possibly immoral, thing to do, and so I continued on alone. As to how I met you, do you remember that you volunteered at Cook County Hospital during the summer of 1918?"

"I remember a little about it."

"We were introduced by one of my colleagues shortly after you began there. You volunteered during the day, of course, while I generally worked nights, but I sometimes saw you when I arrived for my shift, and admired what I saw of your demeanor and your interactions with the patients. I had no intention of changing you," he added quickly, responding to a shift in my expression. "I wasn't watching you for that purpose. I only mean to say that when you and your parents arrived at the hospital ill with the influenza, I already knew something of you. It was actually your mother who convinced me."

"My mother!" I interjected, astonished.

"Yes." He chuckled. "I was surprised as well. But let me back up a little. Your father died shortly after arriving at the hospital and you and your mother grew ill rapidly. Your mother continually tried to nurse you and gave the staff fits with her refusal to stay in her bed." He saw me nodding. "Do you remember that?"

"Yes," I said quietly. "She would get out of bed and wipe my face, and say..." My voice trailed off and Bella nestled under my arm and slid her arm around my waist. I reflexively kissed her head and continued dully, "It's the last memory I have of her."

"She loved you very much, Edward," he said compassionately. "It was obvious to everyone. The third night you were there, I came around to check on the two of you shortly before the end of my shift. You were unconscious, very near death, and while your mother was still awake it was clear that she hadn't much longer either. But when she saw me, she glared up at me and demanded that I save you. That I must do everything in _my_ power, that I must do what others could not."

I saw it in his mind as he spoke, my mother, in far worse condition than my final memory of her, putting the last of her strength into a plea for my life.

"She couldn't have known what she was asking," Rosalie protested, and I realized this was the first time his coven was hearing this story as well. Except for Esme; I could hear in her mind that she was familiar with it.

"As to that, I don't know," he admitted. "I'm not sure what she thought I was, but she clearly knew I wasn't human. At the time, however, I was certain that she did indeed know my secret. She didn't say anything else after that; she slipped almost immediately into unconsciousness and died less than an hour later. You were still alive, Edward, which surprised me, as from the start your condition had been so much worse than hers."

I caught the fleeting thought he tried to push away. "Getting out of bed to care for me killed her," I said flatly.

He hesitated. "There's no way to know that for certain."

"But that's what you think."

"I think it's likely." His mind was full of sympathy I didn't deserve. "But I don't know for sure. People's reaction to illness often surprise me; there are always people who die or survive when I least expect it."

I stared sightlessly at the ground, awash in guilt.

"It was her choice, Edward," Bella said softly. "It's not your fault. I'm sure she knew the risk she was taking."

"She did," Carlisle confirmed. "The nurses informed her, as did I, on more than one occasion."

Esme said firmly, "She was your mother and she loved you. Even if she knew for certain that nursing you would kill her, she would have done it anyway. That's what any good mother would do." A faded image of an infant was in her mind, an old grief. There were no words, but I knew- she would have willingly died for him.

"I'm sure you're right," I replied distantly. "I just… I hadn't… and for it to be because of me…"

"You didn't know that she had died," Carlisle said, sounding surprisingly upset. "Edward, I'm so sorry. I should have realized that you might not know."

I tried to shrug it off. "I knew she was dead—I mean, obviously, if I was born in 1901 she couldn't have been born later than the early 1880s. She was very ill, I remember that, but I always hoped she had somehow survived. That she had grown happy again and lived a long life..." I felt Bella's breath hitch and looked down to see the tears I couldn't shed once again slipping down her cheeks. "I keep making you cry," I said regretfully.

She scoffed and swiped at her face. "You're not _making_ me do anything."

I rolled my eyes and gently wiped away the tears she'd missed. "My mistake. Clearly, the fact that you're crying right now has nothing to do with me."

She rolled her eyes back at me, wordlessly dismissing my argument, and I surprised myself by chuckling. Immeasurably comforted by her and her ridiculous stubbornness, I turned my attention back to Carlisle, who was watching us with fascination. "So, after my mother's death you decided to change me?"

"Yes. After so many years of denying myself, of debate and uncertainty, I just went ahead without giving myself the chance to reconsider. I pretended I was taking you to the morgue—you were motionless enough that no one knew you were still alive—then carried you out the window and across the rooftops to my home."

I watched it all in his mind: our trip through the hospital corridors and his nervousness that someone would realize I wasn't dead; passing the stacks of bodies in the morgue before he leapt out the window; the first glow of dawn in the sky as he raced the sun to his home outside the city; his hands placing me gently on that narrow sofa I saw myself on earlier in his mind; his desperate prayer before he bit me; and then him talking. Talking as I began to frown, talking as I began to flinch and squirm, talking as I began to scream. Telling me what was happening, that he was sorry, that everything would be all right.

"I remember you talking to me, in the beginning, but after I woke I thought I had imagined it."

"No, it really happened."

"So how did this other guy get him away from you?" Emmett asked eagerly. "And no just telling Edward in your head!"

I pulled Bella a little closer, expecting Carlisle to be irritated at Emmett's impatience, perhaps even do something to assert his dominance, but instead he just smiled tolerantly. "I'm getting there, Emmett. After I was certain that the change was going smoothly, I had to leave for a while. I went to the hospital in time for my shift and after doing my rounds and some routine paperwork, I falsified your medical record to show that you had left the hospital, located your home address, then pretended to be getting ill and left. It was the middle of the night by then, so it was no problem to break into your home. I filled a trunk for you, gathering some of your clothes and books, as well as photographs, letters, your father's will and other important papers, your parents' jewelry— anything I thought you might like to have."

He paused, his tone becoming more matter of fact. "We still have it all for you, as well as some other things I took from the house later. Esme or I check periodically and everything is still in good shape. The house in Chicago is yours also; I arranged for you to inherit it from your father in 1918, and then from yourself in 1987. We've had renters in there for most of the past eighty-five years and the rental income and what you inherited from your father is all invested. We've had to pay taxes, property managers, and for maintenance and renovations of the property from your accounts, but the rent has more than covered it over the years. You can look at the books later, or whenever you like."

I was grateful he'd saved some of my belongings for me, and the house, but was a bit confused by the money talk. "So you're saying I have some money in the bank?" I hoped so; it would be nice not to have to steal things all the time.

Everyone reacted with varying degrees of amusement. "You have a lot of money, Edward," Carlisle said, sounding almost sheepish. "It's in many different accounts under a few different names, of course, as we all have to do, but your only expenditures have been on the house and even on a bad year that makes money for you. I haven't checked for some years—I handle the house while Alice manages your investment accounts—but you had several hundred million the last time I looked."

"_Million_?" I gasped. "Several _hundred_ million?"

"Actually, well over a billion now, not counting the house accounts," Alice piped up cheerfully. "I happened to review them yesterday and shifted things around a little bit. Just routine stuff."

Bella and I exchanged wide-eyed looks then slowly turned our heads back towards Alice. "How can I possibly have that much money?" I asked, bewildered.

She leaned toward us, her eyes dancing. "I really, _really_ love to play the stock market."

Carlisle, Esme, and Rose smiled at her enthusiasm and Jasper laughed. I felt his happiness and love brush against us, and Bella sighed and rested her head against my chest. I wondered if he had been aiming the emotions at Alice and we got the overflow, or if he accidentally projected at times.

Emmett grumbled, "Yes, and we're all very happy about it, Alice, but can we go back to the story now? I still don't know how the guy took Edward!"

* * *

**A/N: I'm so sorry for dropping off the face of the Earth! I had an unusually vicious migraine and it was a few days before I could be on the computer at all, much less write anything. I tried to get all of Carlisle's side of the story in here, but it got too long and I had to split it. I had Carlisle take Edward Senior's jewelry (at a minimum he likely would have had cuff links, shirt/waistcoat studs, and a pocket watch) since I imagine Carlisle would think that is something Edward would want- it certainly would have been more useful to him than Elizabeth's jewels! I've put some pictures of their jewelry on my Tumblr if you're interested- whilewewereyetsinners DOT tumblr DOT com. I'm completely guessing at how much money Edward would have, but considering that Carlisle had enough money to buy Esme a tropical island I don't think I gave him too much- in fact, if anything I may have low-balled it. How much money do you think he would have? Next chapter will be up Tuesday or Wednesday!**


	12. Mystery

12\. Mystery

.

"He took him while Carlisle was gone, most likely," Rosalie told Emmett a little impatiently. "Am I right, Carlisle?"

"Yes, you are," he told her, and she smiled in satisfaction.

"Pfft. That's not very exciting," Emmett groused.

"It seemed rather exciting to me at the time, Emmett," Carlisle objected mildly. "Although exciting isn't really the right word. Horrifying would be more accurate."

He turned his attention back to me. "Even though I knew there was nothing I could do to make you comfortable, I hadn't wanted to leave you alone longer than I had to. I finished up as quickly as I could, but by the time I started back I had been gone close to five hours. When I was almost home I smelled another vampire. I had smelled him or her several times before over the previous week, in various places around the city, and had assumed he was there because of epidemic. There are always those of our kind who take advantage of the confusion brought about by mass deaths, whether during epidemics, natural disasters, or war." _Poor souls_, he thought. He sounded inexplicably sad. Did he prefer to prey only upon the strong? I did as well, but why was he so sorry that others didn't?

He gave himself a mental shake, recalling both our minds to the subject at hand. "In any event, the scent was recent, perhaps a couple of hours old. It worried me, but it wasn't until I realized the scent was inside the house that I panicked. I ran from room to room, but you were gone. I knew there was no way you could have left on your own; it had barely been a day since I bit you, and while I wasn't sure how long the change should take I knew it would be longer than that. I tried to follow the scent, but it was confused; purposefully, no doubt. It zigzagged for several miles around the house, crossing itself in numerous places, and then to make matters worse it began raining. I kept looking, even after I lost the scent entirely, but after four days I admitted defeat. I was certain you had already been taken far from the city and I hadn't the first idea where to start looking for you. I had laid the groundwork for my disappearance when I pretended illness at the hospital, and as I had already been in Chicago for six years I decided to go ahead and move on."

His mind was far into the past, immersed in all he had felt then: the panic and disbelief that he had lost me, his determination fading into defeat as the days passed with no trace of me, his sadness and worsened loneliness, his hope to someday find me.

"I never stopped looking for you. If I'd known who took you, perhaps I would have had more luck, but I didn't even know if it was a male or female, much less what he looked like. After Alice and Jasper joined our family in 1950, she told me that she saw an Edward finding us, but I tried not to believe it would be you. Alice had said that he—you—could read minds, and I didn't want to hurt or offend him with my disappointment if it wasn't you." He smiled at me, his mind returning to the present, brimming with relief and happiness. "I couldn't stop myself from hoping though."

I struggled to replace what I thought I knew of my beginnings with this starkly different history. "I don't even know what to say. It's so different from what I always thought had happened. I'm very happy to know that you're the one who changed me— I've always hated thinking that Tredan's venom was in me."

His brow furrowed. "I can imagine, given what I've heard of him."

"What _did_ you hear? I gather you had never met him, since you didn't recognize his scent."

"No, we never met. Almost a year after you disappeared, one of my old friends, Garrett, found me. He had been looking for me for some time, to warn me that an old vampire named Tredan was looking for me. Almost two years previously Tredan had approached him trying to gather information about me. Garrett was suspicious and didn't tell him anything, but he asked around and discovered that Tredan had been asking others about me as well. More than one person said or implied that I should be warned what he was up to, telling him things about the other vampire that were… disturbing, to say the least."

"Like what, exactly?" Jasper asked, his tone serious. His mind was so interesting: shrewd and strategic, continually evaluating and re-evaluating everything he heard, saw, and felt.

"Mainly that he was sadistic, liked torture and mind games, was over a thousand years old, and a proven fighter. So Garrett came to warn me, and help protect me, if necessary. He stayed with me for some months, patrolling the area in hopes of coming across his scent. As time passed he began making circuits farther and farther afield, but never turned up anything." Bella shifted against me and he smiled encouragingly at her. "Do you have a question, Bella?"

"Um, yes," she said timidly. "Did you suspect that Tredan was the one who took Edward?"

"I knew it was possible, but after what I had learned about Tredan's nature I prayed it wasn't him. I hoped instead that a passing vampire heard Edward changing and was curious enough to investigate. That perhaps he or she thought he had been abandoned by his creator, or at worst that it was a female struck by his appearance, and that was why he was taken. I couldn't bear to think he was with that vicious creature with no one to help him."

Carlisle paused for a moment as he and I both fought not to think of myself helplessly trapped with that monster. His imaginings weren't far off, but then he reminded himself that I was safe now, and I clung to that truth also. Strange as these golden-eyed vampires were, I was beginning to trust them with my safety, and more importantly, with Bella's. "Do either of you have any other questions?"

I looked at Bella, but though she moved a little restlessly she shook her head in the negative. "I have one more," I said. "Your coven is so large… Alice said that she and Jasper found you, but did you change everyone else? How did you all end up together?"

"Ah, yes. Well, after you disappeared, I moved to Ashland, Wisconsin. My failure haunted me. I had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that I'd lost you and might never know what had happened to you. I decided I would never attempt to change anyone else, but one day in 1921 I went down to the morgue to write the death certificate of a woman who had just been brought in. I had been told she was dead, the victim of a fall from a cliff, but I could hear her heart beating, and when I saw her face I recognized her. I had met her years earlier, when she was only sixteen. She had fallen then too, but out of a tree that time, and I was the one who had set her broken leg. I didn't know what motivated me, but as soon as I saw her face, I instinctively scooped her up and ran. It was as though a voice shouted in my head, 'Not her!' I spent much of her change berating myself and wondering if I had gone insane, and it was months before I understood my compulsion to save her." He smiled down at his mate. "And then by some miracle, she loved me too.

"I always loved you," Esme told him softly. "From the first time I met you."

"You knew even then?" Bella asked shyly.

Esme smiled, her mind filled with hazy memories. "I didn't know it was love then, but he made a lasting impression. My leg hurt so horribly and my mother was embarrassing me in front of the nurses by scolding me for being _so unladylike as to climb a tree!" _Her voice changed as she imitated her long-dead mother._ "_And then in walked the most handsome man I'd ever seen, and he was so kind to me, so gentle. I had to stay at the hospital for a few days, and he came by to check on me several times, brought me books to read and fresh fruit, and sat and talked to me… I'd never met such a thoughtful man. And as the years went by, I was never able to forget him."

The two of them gazed at each other as though amazed by their good fortune. Emmett suddenly guffawed, breaking the spell they had cast on each other. "Yeah, he made a lasting impression on the hospital, too, up and leaving the way he did, with a supposed corpse in tow!"

Carlisle sighed. "Emmett…"

The large vampire ignored him, leaning towards us confidingly. "We saw a story about him on _Unsolved Mysteries_ back in the early nineties, and that was the first time he told us anything more than, 'Esme was dying, so I changed her.' He never told us that he ran off with her from the morgue and never went back. No one at the hospital had any idea what had happened to him, and after they realized there was a body missing the speculation was completely insane. Alice, Jasper, and I tracked down some local newspapers from the time, and you should read the breathless reports—'Noted Doctor Vanishes From Hospital; Corpse of Local Schoolteacher Also Missing,' 'Search Made for Connection Between Missing Doctor and Teacher,' 'Doctor Abducted?' 'Ties to Satanists?' 'Doctor and Corpse Taken By Cult?' 'Real Doctor Frankenstein?' 'Doctor a Necrophiliac?' 'Police Stumped; Plead for Public's Assistance,' and on and on. Thankfully he was using a different name then and they didn't have any pictures of him, or we would probably _still_ be in hiding somewhere. And after all his decades of telling us how important it is to always cover our tracks… He laughed again, and the entire coven joined in, even Carlisle, though his laugh was a bit rueful.

"We've enjoyed poking fun at Carlisle since then, but it does finally make sense now," Jasper pointed out. "After what happened with Edward, he must have been afraid to leave Esme while she was changing."

"Not just then," Esme clarified with some amusement. "He couldn't leave me at first, of course, because of the bloodlust, but even after I had gained some control over it he refused to leave me unprotected. I was so frustrated, until he told me what had happened to Edward."

Carlisle made a noise very like a snort. "Be honest. Even after you knew you were still frustrated."

"Of course I was—I spent nearly nine months wearing your clothes!"

We all started laughing, except for Alice, but her horrified, "Oh, Esme!" only made us laugh harder. She folded her arms across her chest and tapped her toe impatiently as she waited for us to stop, then insisted, "I'm not just talking about fashion! He's a good eight inches taller than she is—his clothes can't have been at all comfortable for her."

"You're right," Esme said warmly. "It was very awkward. Thank you, Alice."

Carlisle determinedly changed the subject, "Anyway, Rosalie was the next to join our family. Would you like to tell the story, or shall I?"

* * *

**A/N: First of all, I would just like to say that there ARE NO CLIFFS in Ashland. There is one cliff in Ashland County, but it is not within walking distance of Ashland and is on the far side of a freaking island. It would have made better sense for Esme to step out in front of a trolley or something than to have to travel 20-plus miles and rent a boat! I realize that SM doesn't like to do research, but for crying out loud why didn't someone on the editorial staff do it? There are SO MANY things wrong with the historical detail of these books- things which, on average, take me 45 seconds to research. I'm not talking about obscure, difficult to obtain information here. :( On that note, tune in next time to see what's wrong with Emmett's story. /rant  
**

**Sorry this chapter took me so long to get out- I could go into detail about the insane ball of chaos my life has been the past month or two, but this AN is too long already. ;) The next chapter is about 1/3 written, so hopefully there won't be much of a wait. Edward from The World Itself has decided to start speaking to me again, so hopefully that chapter will be up soon also. Thanks for the reviews, favs, follows, etc- I truly appreciate them!**


	13. Devastation

13\. Devastation

.

"There's not much to tell," Rosalie said in a tone so falsely disinterested that Bella shifted uncomfortably against me. "It was 1931, I was dying, and Carlisle changed me."

In a matter of seconds I'd gleaned the full story in hers, Esme's, and Carlisle's minds: the terrible nighttime car accident in a desolate area; her parents and brothers dead; Carlisle and Esme coming across the scene after hunting; Carlisle trying futilely to save Rosalie's life as she begged him not to let her die; Esme asking him to save her before she fled the bloody scene; Carlisle explaining the only way he could help her and Rosalie gasping her agreement; her fury after she was changed upon realizing she could never have children…

"I suppose you've pulled the whole story from our heads by now," she snapped resentfully. "We'll never have a private thought again."

Oh. I was so used to scanning others' thoughts for information that it hadn't even occurred to me not to do it. "Yes, I did," I admitted stiffly. "I apologize. I'm not accustomed to trying to block people's thoughts unless I'm feeding."

"I'm sure Edward will keep whatever he hears to himself, Rosalie," Carlisle said placidly.

She scoffed. "How do you know—"

"I will," I interrupted her, trying to repress the offense I felt. After all, she didn't know me, and it would admittedly be very easy to misuse my gift. "I would never betray anyone's confidence that way."

Her eyes bored into mine for a long moment before she grudgingly nodded.

"Then I was next," Emmett boomed cheerfully. Everything about Rosalie softened, and she smiled at him as he announced, "Carlisle saved the best for last!" He ignored the derisive noise Jasper made and Alice's bell-like laugh, and winked at Bella when she giggled. I could see the affectionate indulgence in Carlisle and Esme's smiles, and for the first time I allowed myself to think of what joining their coven—their _family_, for it clearly was a family—would be like. I had been solitary for so long, knowing there was no one I could call upon for help if I needed it and that there wasn't a creature in the world who would notice or care if I were destroyed. How would it feel to have companionship and support? To know that there was a place and people to whom I belonged?

My reaction to the idea frightened me. Wanting so badly to be part of this family was dangerous. It made me too vulnerable. I was already in a position of weakness, being alone with Bella to protect.

Emmett distracted me from my thoughts as he continued, "I grew up in Tennessee, in Gatlinburg. I was out hunting and ended up on the bad side of a bear. Black bears usually aren't that aggressive, but it attacked without warning, knocked my rifle out of my hands and ripped me open before I knew what was happening. Then this angel found me," he ran the back of his fingers tenderly down Rosalie's cheek, "and a while later I woke up as this—which was awesome!"

"You don't mind… being what we are?" I'd known, of course, that many of our kind enjoyed being vampires, but I hadn't expected someone I liked to be one of them.

"Nah, man. The strength, the speed, forever with my woman— what more could I want?"

_Not to have to kill people, for one_, I thought, but didn't say anything. I edged closer to Bella.

"So what's your story?" he asked eagerly. "What happened when you destroyed that guy?"

Bella's stomach growled before I could respond and the smell of her blush filled my nose.

"Oh, Bella!" Esme cried remorsefully. "You still haven't eaten! I have a blanket you can sit on, and…" Her voice trailed off as we all eyed the bag of food on the ground where I had dropped it in my earlier attempt to flee. It was on the other side of the meadow, very close to all of them.

Alice replayed her vision of us all sitting and talking, and smiled hopefully at me. I sighed and suggested, "Perhaps we can all sit while Bella eats?" I shook my head and chuckled at her brilliant smile as everyone unknowingly arranged themselves to fit her vision. Hers was another gift it would be easy to abuse, especially with no mind reader around to vouch for her honesty. It said a great deal for her character that she had sought out this particular coven to live with, she and Jasper both.

Once Bella was comfortable and eating I spent a few minutes giving them the barest details of my history, not mentioning any of my heinous blood experimentation, though I did admit that I hadn't been limiting myself to criminals for a very long time.

"If you hated yourself so much, why didn't you just let some passing nomads kill you? With your gift it should have been easy to find one hostile enough." That was Rosalie, of course.

Bella stopped chewing and glared at her, as Esme gasped her name reprovingly.

"I didn't mean that I wished he was dead," she said dispassionately, inspecting her manicure. _Truly, I didn't mean it that way. I just don't understand._ It was curious how much more apologetic her mental tone was than her spoken one. My long history of accidental eavesdropping told me that usually the opposite was true.

"It's okay," I told her, clearly surprising Emmett and Esme. Jasper rightly assumed she was apologetic in her thoughts, Carlisle was erroneously pleased that I still was 'a fine young man,' and Alice seemed to be surprised by nothing. "It's a natural question, and I did consider it for a time. In the end though, I decided I couldn't trust them to—" I broke off, wishing I'd better considered my words with Bella sitting right next to me.

As the seconds stretched out, Emmett prompted me, "Trust them to what?"

I sighed, giving into the inevitable. "I couldn't trust them to burn me afterwards." Bella flinched and I ran a soothing hand down her back. "After my experience with Tredan, I knew the depravity we were capable of, the twisted pleasure some creatures took in torturing others. I wasn't going to allow someone to ever again have that much power over me. And so I just tried not to feel anything, to bury the guilt and self-loathing, and after a while it worked fairly well. Then I met Bella, and realized what doing that had allowed me to become."

There was a long silence, then Esme asked in her gentle voice, "I've been longing to know: how did the two of you meet?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but shame forced it closed. I tried to ignore Jasper's sharpened focus on me as I imagined telling the truth: _We met when I selected her as my next victim, but after multiple failed attempts to kill her I realized I loved her. Life sure is interesting, isn't it? _Oh, that would go over splendidly.

Bella's hand settled on my leg. "I was in Port Angeles," she stated calmly. I forgot about my remorse as my whole being focused on the warm, hypnotic designs her thumb was drawing above my knee. "It had been raining earlier in the day; the ground was still wet and I slipped on something. Edward caught me right before I landed on my face. We started talking, and…" She shrugged, a small smile on her face, and I marveled at her self-possession. Everything she said was true, yet she made it sound so much different than it was, so innocent. A pang of grief struck me as I realized from her perspective at the time that was how it must have seemed to her. I wished it had been innocent, that I had caught her out of altruism and spent hours talking with her out of a pure interest rather than with calculated deception and bloodlust.

Emmett started chuckling. "I saw you trip in the parking lot on Thursday— you mean you're clumsy like that all the time?" He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I'm going to keep an eye on you—this is going to be awesome!"

Bella turned a fiery red and stuck her tongue out at him, making almost everyone laugh. Rosalie sighed, looking bored, but Carlisle was watching me with a slight furrow between his brows, the emotions he'd seen flit across my face running on repeat in his mind. _There's more to your story than you're telling, isn't there?_

I moved my head in enough of a nod that he would know I was agreeing.

_You can tell me later, in privacy, if you like._

I nodded again, filled with dread and gratitude. It wasn't surprising that if I was to become part of his coven, as Alice was so certain I would, that he would insist I tell him everything. I was only relieved that he wasn't demanding I tell everyone right away. It wouldn't be right to hide what a despicable creature I was from these more civilized vampires, and it would be reprehensible to allow Carlisle to continue with the mistaken belief that I was good in any way, but oh, how I feared it.

Well, if he or the others were unable to tolerate my presence after learning everything I could hardly blame them. It would be no more than I deserved.

Carlisle cast his eyes at each member of his family, seemingly taking a silent poll. At last his eyes rested on me, and he smiled a little anxiously. "Well, Edward, there is a place in our family that has always been yours, and I hope you will be willing to stay with us."

I felt myself relax, almost in relief. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Alice and Bella were wearing similar wide smiles.

The anxiety became more pronounced in his voice as he added, "However, if you are going to join us you will need to change the way you feed. I know it isn't very appealing, but I hope you will find that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks…"

He continued on in the vein, his anxiety transferring to me as I wondered what on earth he was talking about. Did he already know how I had been choosing my prey—if so, what more did he think I could possibly have to tell him? I heard in his mind what he was speaking of a split second before he said it.

"… animals."

"Animals," Bella breathed happily, her hand squeezing my leg as she turned her glowing face up to mine.

"Animals," I repeated flatly. Jasper's head snapped towards me as I pushed my way up and out of the circle, staggering backwards. "_Animals?_"

There was such a roaring in my head, it was hard to concentrate on anything,

but all this time

all this time

all this time

it could

have

been

_animals_.

I fell to my knees because the ground was shaking so that I couldn't stand. The ground, the trees, everything, everyone was shaking, but no one else fell. Only I fell. Because all this time, all this time.

I heard Bella through the noise in my head. She was crying, calling my name, but Carlisle was holding her. He wouldn't let her come to me.

Carlisle

was holding her.

Alice shrieked my name into the clamor. _Edward, don't!_ I watched Bella fly through the air as I ripped Carlisle's arm off. "Carlisle, let her go! Bella, wait, don't let him hold you! Edward, don't you dare hold her!" I saw the vision, Bella's face twisted in pain as I held her to me. As I crushed her like a beast.

I am a beast.

All this time.

Oh God

all this time.

I plunged my arms into the earth, up to my shoulders, as Bella ran to me. I can't hurt her. I hurt everyone, but not her.

Jasper dropped to his knees as faces began to cycle through my head.

My victims

the evil

the innocent

the vicious

the gentle

the foolish

the witty

the lazy

the thoughtless

the trusting

the immoral

the friendly

the dreamers

the family

the _children_

Was there any type of human I hadn't killed?

Bella was wrapped around me now, her front to my back, her arms around me, her breath on my face.

"All this time," I told her desperately.

"Shh, you didn't know."

"But… Bella, all this time!"

"I know, Edward," she whispered brokenly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you didn't know."

I vaguely heard Carlisle tell Esme and Rosalie to get Jasper away from here, as Alice constantly checked her visions and Emmett paced. Bella stayed wrapped around me, her warmth not penetrating me as faces and scents and final thoughts looped through my mind and I helplessly repeated _all this time all this time all this time all this time_, her tears sliding down my cheek into the dirt.

* * *

**A/N: Um, yeah. If you were hoping Edward would be happy when he found out about the animal blood option... well, he will be eventually. If that helps. LOL So, I changed Rosalie's back story (if you care about that now, after Edward's breakdown lol) because I don't see any way canon!Rosalie would EVER be able to come to terms with what Edward has spent the last couple decades doing- the betray-the-victim-you-supposedly-saved thing would be bad enough, but the individualized betrayal would be too much. I don't think she'd be able to separate him from Royce and Co in her mind, and the best case scenario would be that the family was torn apart. Worst case is that Edward is torn apart. Thanks to all of you for your reviews, favs etc- and I especially want to thank tarbecca for recommending this story in the Fic Dive on A Different Forest, and welcome to the new readers that have come this way!**


	14. Dissonance

14\. Dissonance

.

Bella stayed at the Cullens' with me that night. In the first of many lies she would have to tell if she bound herself to my life of deceit, she called her father and asked for permission to spend the night with her new friend Alice.

Instead, she spent the night in my room with me. Esme told me I'd had a room in every house they'd lived in since Alice told them I was coming. It was furnished, and filled with books and music, things that Alice saw I might like. There was even some clothing, unworn and modern and clearly expensive.

It was too much. Such bounty and hopefulness, wasted on me.

Bella lay with me on my couch, soothing me with her warmth and her breath and her peace and just _her_, murmuring words of love all night, even as she slept. Then in the morning she sat outside the door as I told Carlisle everything.

He tried to remain positive at first, professing himself pleased and surprised that I had refrained from killing Emilie. He told me he also had tried to starve himself, but was fortunate enough to have a herd of deer cross his path while he was crazed with thirst, rather than a family of humans. He came surprisingly close to commending me for my decision to hunt criminals: "Of the choices that lay before you, that was one of the best ones."

I scoffed at him in my bitterness and wished I had nothing worse to tell.

His face grew pained and weary as I revealed the truth about the revolting monster he had created, until finally I could no longer bear to look at him. How could he tolerate having me near him, his first creation gone so terribly wrong?

There was a long silence after I finally ran out of things to tell him. I expected to be sent away. I knew he'd do it kindly, because it was evident there was no other way he could be, but I didn't think I would spend another night under his roof.

Instead, he apologized. He said if he hadn't left Chicago he would have come across Tredan's scent and found me, that he could have spared me the life I led.

Even if that were true, it doesn't follow that my poor choices are somehow his responsibility. It was a ridiculous thing to think, and so I told him. Loudly. Well, to be more precise, I shouted it at him. I recoiled instinctively as he moved to put his hand on my shoulder, then jumped out his window and ran, trying to escape from… from _everything_. From the pain that flashed across his face when I flinched from his touch, from the compassion I didn't merit, from Bella who deserved far more than I could ever offer her, from the family that had waited for me so hopefully for decades— decades that I had spent tormenting and betraying innocent people to their deaths, from my own stupidity in not realizing that if I lived on blood any blood would do, from my own grief, from my own self-hatred, from my own _self_. I ran, and I ran, until the pain in my chest grew too crippling to ignore.

I collapsed to the ground, not because I was tired— this loathsome body never got tired— but because even though I couldn't bear being so far away from Bella I knew I could never be with her. Why had I entertained the notion of staying with her? How truly despicable I was, to even consider poisoning her life with my presence.

Not that I needed any more proof that I was despicable.

Agony crashed over me as I thought of never returning to her. Of never being close enough to touch her, to tease her, to be amused by her stubbornness. Energy coiled in my muscles and I fought my instinct to destroy something, to take out my grief upon the forest. I had already caused more than enough destruction in my too-long life. Destruction of lives, of families, of people who desperately wondered where their loved ones were. I curled into a tight ball on the wet bracken, resisting the urge to scream. Wishing I could cry. Wishing there was someone who would burn me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I knew time was passing, but I didn't know how much. Days, weeks… what difference did it make in light of the empty years stretching out interminably before me? My mind returned again, predictably, to Bella. I ached to see her. Just to see her from a distance and know she was safe. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the sky, my eyes easily locating the stars that daylight hid from human eyes. Surely I could do that? Just watch from a distance? She would never have to know. Maybe I would even have the chance to protect her, a renewed opportunity to do something good.

Of course, there were the Cullens to consider. They knew now how wrong they were to have considered me part of their family. I couldn't imagine they would be happy to discover I was back in Forks, but hopefully they wouldn't mind as long as I kept my distance from them and from all the humans in town. I fought renewed grief at the thought of what I had missed out on, the family I hadn't known I'd had until it was too late.

.

.

.

I fed on the way back to Bella's: two deer and a mountain lion. I savored the revolting blood, reveling in it even as I realized it didn't fully extinguish the burn in my throat, grateful beyond measure that I would never have to kill a human again.

.

.

.

It was dark when I reached Bella's house. I found a tree that afforded me a good view into her bedroom window, surprised to realize Alice Cullen was there, sitting cross-legged next to Bella on her bed.

"Are you _sure_, Alice?" Bella asked insistently.

Alice sighed, but responded gently, "Bella, I promise he's perfectly safe."

"Is he… will he ever… why won't he come home?!" Alice wrapped an arm around her and rested her head on her shoulder. Bella sagged against her and whispered, "You would tell me if he isn't ever coming back, right?"

Alice looked out the window into the trees where I was hiding, and I shrank further back into the shadows. "If I see that he decides to never come back I will tell you. I promise."

"Okay. I'm sorry I keep pestering you," Bella said miserably. "I just miss him so much."

"I know you do, and you aren't bothering me at all. Honestly. I need to go though—I have homework to do and you should go to sleep."

Bella scoffed. "Homework—what will that take you? Five minutes?"

"It's in two subjects, so maybe ten," she retorted cheerfully.

"Ooh, ten minutes, how shocking," Bella teased her. I was glad to see her a little more cheerful.

Alice hugged her tightly. "I'll see you tomorrow." She leapt gracefully out Bella's window and headed straight towards me. Within seconds she was perched in the tree next to mine, looking like a woodland sprite. "Hello, Edward."

I could smell Bella's scent on her and inhaled it deep into my lungs, feeling calmer than I had in weeks. I leaned against the trunk of my tree and replied quietly, "Hello, Alice."

"Feel better, now that you've gotten your fix of her scent?" she asked conversationally. "Is that why you came back?"

"Yes, I do, and no, that's not why." I hesitated, then told her, "You don't need to protect her from me, if that's what you've been doing."

She looked a little offended. "No, that isn't what I've been doing. She's my friend." She continued without a hint of accusation in her voice, "She's needed a friend lately. She's worried about you and she misses you. Are you going back to her?"

"I can't." My voice was barely a whisper, so I tried again a little louder. "I can't inflict myself on her."

"She doesn't see it that way, you know."

"Of course she doesn't. But that doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't it?" Alice asked seriously. "I should think it would change everything."

I didn't know how to respond to that. There was no denying Bella had changed everything about me for the better. But the only change I could impose on her was for the worse.

Alice must have seen I wasn't going to reply because she changed the subject. "Just so you know, I still see you with us."

I just stared at her for a moment. "Are you serious?"

"Of course." She changed her position on the branch and swung her legs like a child. "You belong with us, Edward. I told you that."

"But... look Alice, I know none of you were there when I was talking to Carlisle, but even if he didn't tell anyone what I said, you, of all people, have to know what I've done."

She shrugged, still swinging her legs. "I have a pretty good idea," she admitted. "So?"

"What do you mean, 'So?' Why on earth would you all want me to be part of your family after that?"

"Are you planning on still doing it?"

"What? No!"

"Then why wouldn't we want you, Edward? None of us are perfect. Except for Carlisle, we've all killed people. We just do the best we can not to."

There was a long moment of silence as I tried to reconcile that with what I thought I'd known. I had been so certain that Carlisle was going to refuse to let me stay with them. "Are you sure?" I asked doubtfully. "I mean, have you talked to Carlisle about it?"

"I haven't asked him if he still wants to you join our family, but I haven't needed to. He's asked me more than once if you're coming back, as has Esme. They've both been very upset. And Emmett has been driving me nuts! He's asked me almost as many times as Bella has. Everyone wants you with us, Edward."

"Rosalie?" I asked skeptically.

"Well, she'd never admit it." Alice laughed, and then sighed. "You're not coming home tonight, are you?"

"I don't think so. I just… I need time to think."

"Okay. Don't think too long or I'm going to send people to talk to you!" she threatened cheerfully. She dropped gracefully to the ground, her voice floating up to me. "And Edward? Do some thinking about Bella, too. She's your mate and she needs you."

.

.

.

To my surprise, Alice had meant it when she threatened to send people to talk to me. As the first light of dawn brightened the sky, Jasper leapt up into the tree next to mine. He stayed for a few hours, telling me his history, which was far more horrific than mine, and how Alice had changed his life. How when he'd met her the hope he'd felt had been so foreign he nearly hadn't recognized it, and how he'd thought he couldn't possibly deserve such a gift. When he left he was grumbling about school and saying perhaps he wouldn't go at all, but his mind was so eager to see Alice that I imagine he bolted straight there.

Esme arrived when the sun, such as it was, was high in the sky. She told me that Carlisle was at work, but assured me that he did want me to come "home." She shared more details about her life before him, about her vile first husband, and her belief that as mates she and Carlisle were fated to be together, that she'd had no possibility of a truly happy life without him. While she wasn't subtle about the point she was making it was admittedly food for thought. Before she left, she naturally and unconsciously reached out to pat down my hair and place an affectionate hand on my shoulder, and for the first time in my vampire existence I was able to think of my mother without overwhelming pain. I waved as she left, and settled back in the tree to see who would arrive next.

Emmett came bounding through the forest a half hour later, thanking me for getting him out of "gym class," which from his thoughts was his last class of the day, involving some sort of physical education. He lounged in the tree next to mine while enthusiastically explaining all the different games and sports that the family played— vampire versions of chess, baseball, capture the flag, golf, and bowling, among others— and how they'd modified their gaming systems to be able to handle vampire reflexes and speed. He told me about everyone's hobbies and was eager to know what I liked to do. There was no doubt that Alice was right about Emmett wanting me with the Cullens. He looked startled when it started to get dark and said that he was supposed to already be gone, demanding, "You are going to come home eventually, right?"

I agreed without even thinking about it, and he grinned widely before dashing off into the forest. I shook my head and relaxed back in the tree, watching Bella doing her homework and getting ready for bed. Every so often she would look out her window in my direction, as though she somehow knew I was here, and sigh wistfully. She looked so sad. I thought about what Esme had said and allowed myself to wonder if the best thing for her, the most loving thing, was actually to stay with her, not away from her. I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice Rosalie arriving until she was standing beneath my tree, tapping her toe on the ground.

"Are you done being foolish yet?"

I raised an eyebrow and dropped from the tree. "Hello to you too, Rosalie."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Seriously, Edward, are you ever going to come home? You have the whole house in an uproar."

"I'm sorry if my emotional distress has inconvenienced you," I retorted sarcastically.

"Well, it has," she said flatly. "After all these years of waiting for you, one would think you would have the decency to stay put."

I glared at her. "Well, forgive me for getting upset at learning that I've unnecessarily killed _thousands_ of people, Rosalie."

"I'll forgive you when you come home. Can we expect you to grace us with your presence soon?" _Please, Edward?_

I blinked. "Uh, yes." I looked up at Bella's window. "I'll come tomorrow, after I talk to Bella."

"Fine," she huffed. _Good for you. I'm glad._

She was going to drive me mad with the dichotomy between her thoughts and speech. "Yes, well, goodbye Rosalie."

"Not so fast. Here." She thrust a bundle of clothing at me. "Alice said you needed this, and she was right. You look like you've been wallowing in a ditch."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Tell Alice I said thank you." I purposely didn't thank her for bringing it, but really! Should I be thankful at being told I looked like I'd been wallowing in a ditch?

As soon as she was out of sight I changed my clothes and leapt up to Bella's window, sliding it open and climbing silently into her room. I leaned against the wall and let her scent wrap itself around me and fill me, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that wherever Bella was, that was my home.

"Edward," she murmured plaintively. "Edward, where are you?"

I sat on the floor by her bed and took her hand, careful not to wake her. "I'm here, Bella," I whispered. "I'm here."

"Edward," she sighed. Her lips quirked in a tiny smile.

I kissed the palm of her hand and held it for the rest of the night, trying not to be afraid to hope.

* * *

**A/N: If you're wondering, I don't have an exact timeline but he's been gone about three weeks, and yes, he lay in the forest curled up in a ball the whole time. He was somewhere between the Willamette and Umpqua National Forests in Oregon. There's a Mt. Bachelor in Willamette- I should have sent him there. ;) I know I implied in this that Rosalie had "accidents" but it was purposeful- yes, she didn't have Royce and Co to kill in this version, but without Edward there to flaunt her clean record in front of I wonder if it would have been easier for her to slip. They seem to enjoy antagonizing each other to a certain extent, and I have the impression that canon!Edward didn't have any accidents (at least not after his rebellious period) and that she enjoyed having a cleaner record than him- in a "well at least _I've_ never tasted human blood" way. She couldn't have a cleaner record than Carlisle and who would want to make Esme feel bad? So without him she loses some of her motivation to never slip. I also think Emmett likely had _way_ more accidents at first without Edward there to hear his thoughts and help manage him, and the more accidents someone has near you the more likely you yourself will be overwhelmed with temptation. So I figured I would allow for the possibility. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	15. Hope

15\. Hope

.

I couldn't bear to let go of Bella's hand. I clung to it even when I heard her father coming. By the time he poked his head around the door I had flipped the bedclothes over our clasped hands and ducked down on the far side of the bed. He left for work completely unaware of the dangerous predator clutching his daughter's hand like a lifeline.

Bella began to stir an hour later, her eyes opening when our joined hands prevented her from rolling over. "Edward," she murmured faintly, a slight smile on her face. Her eyes drifted closed as I pressed a kiss to her wrist, and for a moment I thought she would go back to sleep. Then her eyes shot open. "Edward!" she cried, and flung herself at me, her forehead hitting mine with an audible crack.

"Are you all right?" I exclaimed. "Let me see your head."

She batted my hands away, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I don't care about my head! Where have you been?" She pulled back enough to smack my shoulder then resumed her stranglehold. It was a good thing I didn't need to breathe. "I've been so worried about you; I didn't know if you would… would… Don't you ever leave me again!"

Her breath was coming now in huge gulping gasps, and I could smell that she was crying. I stroked her hair and rocked her until her sobs eased into shuddering breaths. "Are you all right?" I repeated.

"I should be so angry at you," she hissed. Her hands fisted in my shirt, trying to pull herself closer, even though she was already pressed against me.

"You should be," I agreed, my lips against her neck, her scent and her pulse a welcome fire. She shivered. "Uh, does that mean you aren't?"

"I _should_ be."

She still sounded furious, but I decided I would take that as a no. "I'm very sorry for upsetting you."

"I was so scared," she whispered. "Why did you run off like that? Alice said that Carlisle didn't do anything bad, but she wouldn't tell me what happened. She said that you would, if you wanted to."

"Carlisle… I told him everything, Bella. Everything. More than I told you. The longer I talked the sicker he looked, like every word out of my mouth was physically hurting him. I couldn't bear to look at him after a while. I kept talking because I couldn't join their family without telling him everything, yet I had this growing conviction that it was impossible that he would allow me to stay. I wanted to stay, so much, but what decent man would want me anywhere near him? I'm despicable."

"You _were_ despicable," Bella interjected softly. "You aren't anymore."

"I don't think it's that easy, Bella."

"Of course it is. You haven't personally injured any of us. All we want to know is that you're sorry for what you've done and you want to be different going forward, and you've made that perfectly plain. That's what's important."

"I personally injured you."

"Nearly."

I moved her so I could look in her eyes. "I may not have physically injured you, but I still hurt you."

For some incomprehensible reason that made her lips tilt in a small smile. She touched my face, her warm fingertips smoothing away the crease between my brows. "You did. But I've forgiven you, remember?"

"I don't deserve you."

She shrugged and asked philosophically, "Does anyone really deserve the other person in their relationship? None of us are perfect."

I scoffed. "You deserve more than me, not less."

"We could argue this all day. Stop being mean to yourself and tell me what happened next." She put her head back down on my shoulder, her fingers drawing heated patterns on my back.

"After I told him everything, he was quiet. Verbally, I mean. His mind was in turmoil. He was horrified. I tried not to hear what he was thinking. I didn't want to know. I just stared at my hands and waited for him to tell me to leave. And then he… he _apologized_ to me for leaving Chicago." I shook my head, still baffled by his reaction.

"Because you and Tredan had stayed and he thought if he hadn't left he would have found you." It wasn't a question; she said it as though it made perfect sense. "The day we met him and he was telling us his story, I thought the same thing."

I hadn't thought about it at all. "But what I did, it's not _his_ fault."

"No, of course not, but I can understand why he would feel that way when he first heard your story. I mean, if he had found you before you left Chicago do you think you would have led the same life?"

"Well, no, but it was my decision to do the things I did."

"It was. But Carlisle probably thinks if he had stayed you never would have been in a position to make those decisions. It seems pretty normal for him to think, 'If only I'd stayed in Chicago, if only I'd found him, none of this would have ever happened.' It's how I would feel. Wouldn't you feel that way, if the situation were reversed?"

"I... yes," I realized. I would feel horribly guilty.

"See?" She kissed the spot where my jaw met my ear. "So what happened then? He apologized and you got mad? Because I heard you yelling."

I took a deep breath of her scent, steadying myself. "I was furious that he thought he should bear any of the blame. I was so enraged that I don't even remember what I said, but then he tried to touch me. Just to put his hand on my shoulder, but I realized his intention too late and flinched away from him. It hurt him. I couldn't… I just, I hated myself so much. I had to get away, from everything. From everyone."

"Even me." She sounded sad.

"Especially you." She tensed and I held her closer. "Bella, you're so precious to me. There is nothing in this world that is more important than you. I want so much more for you than what I can give, and right then… I felt so filthy. I wanted to run to you. The entire time I was gone I longed for you, but I want to do what's best for you. And it's hard for me to believe that I am the best thing."

"You are," she insisted fiercely.

"I don't see how that's possible. I would like to believe it is, that I can be what you need, but I don't think it's true." I decided I should tell her the full truth. "I wasn't going to come back to you. I planned to let you live your life free from interference, to just watch over you from a distance and keep you safe. But I'm too weak to stay away."

"So, even though you needed me you were going to stay away— you _did_ stay away, for weeks! Why can't you see that you're good? That desire to protect me is good, right? And the desire for me to have what's best."

I thought about that, then asked fearfully, "But what if it's the only goodness I have? It would be better to stay away from you and keep you safe. Not… pollute you."

"There is much more goodness in you than that. I'm not trying to minimize what you've done. You've done some horrible things and I don't understand why you made some of the choices that you did. But you're sorry for it, Edward. If you weren't remorseful I could agree that you're evil. Then again, if you weren't remorseful we wouldn't be having this conversation, because you wouldn't care what the answer was. The fact that you care about whether you're good or evil proves that you're good."

I frowned at her logic. "That seems a little too simplistic. No offense."

"Sometimes the simplest answer is the truth. Occam's razor," she proclaimed triumphantly.

"Oh, well, if you're going to start throwing medieval philosophers at me I shall have to admit defeat."

Her giggle warmed me. "I don't think you've really given up. Do you promise to think about it?"

I kissed her head. "I promise to think about it," I replied dutifully. I would, I just didn't think it would make any difference. "I am sorry I abandoned you the way I did. What happened after I left?"

"I heard you shouting at Carlisle, like I said, and he cried out your name and his voice was so… so tormented. Then everything was completely silent. I didn't know what was happening— I didn't even know you were gone until Alice told me. She and Esme came home a few minutes after you yelled. Esme went in to talk to Carlisle and it sounded like they were crying and I was so afraid you were never going to come back." She shuddered and burrowed impossibly closer. "Every day that went by, I was more sure of it. Alice kept telling me that you would, and that you were safe, but… I was so afraid."

"You were worried I wasn't safe?" I asked incredulously. "What did you think would harm me?"

"I thought _you_ would," she said flatly. "If a nomad passed by, I thought you might do something to get them to kill you."

It was astonishing how well she knew me. "I wanted to, the first couple of days." She stiffened and I tried to inject a little levity. "It was a good thing no other vampires came along to help me, huh?"

"It's not funny, Edward!" She smacked my arm again, then shook the sting out of her hand. "How can you even joke about that?"

I really wished she would stop swatting at me—she was going to get hurt. "Would you please stop trying to injure yourself on my person? Speaking of which, can I check your head now?" I moved her hair so I could get a good look at it and winced at the small blue and purple lump on the edge of her forehead. "You should put ice on that."

She silently took my hand and placed it over the knot and I shook my head, amused despite myself. "I'm not quite as cold as ice, love."

"Shut up and hold me, Edward," she murmured crossly.

"Very well, you tiny despot." I nestled her against me, taking care to keep my hand on her forehead since it was better than nothing. With my other hand I traced words on her back. _I love you. I'm so sorry. Please don't ever leave me._

She jerked when my finger drifted over her side. "Ticklish?" I asked, a smile in my voice.

"Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what?" My other fingers joined in the drifting. "All I asked was if you were ticklish. If you don't tell me, I'll have to find out for myself."

"Don't you dare tickle me, Edward Masen, that's what."

"Or what? Because it's really not wise to challenge a vampire, silly Bella."

"Or I will sit far away from you where you can't touch me."

My fingers were poised to tickle her, and judging by her tension she knew it. "I could make you stay right here."

"But you won't," she stated confidently.

"Why won't I?"

"Because you want me to be happy. And tickling makes me very unhappy. Besides, I would probably pee on you."

"Well, in that case…" My hand resumed tracing words on her back. _My Bella. I love you. Don't pee on me._

She still wasn't completely relaxed. "Edward?"

"Yes, love?"

"I'm going to ask something of you, and I want you to think about it. Don't promise me unless you really mean it, okay?

"Okay," I agreed hesitantly.

"I understand that you don't like yourself very much. And know you think I deserve better than you. I don't agree, but I know that's how you feel. So I understand why you felt like you had to run away. And if you need time away, that's fine. But… please talk to me first? Or someone? So that I know you're coming back and that you're safe? The past few weeks have been awful, and I was so scared, and—"

"I promise," I interrupted. "I won't run off like that again. However, even if I did, you can always be confident that I'll come back to you. I need you far too much to stay away."

She bristled, probably at the thread of regret in my voice. "You know, instead of wishing you didn't need me you should be glad you have me."

"I am glad," I exclaimed. "Truly, I'm so very grateful for you."

"There's nothing wrong with needing me. I need you, too, you know."

I kissed her head and didn't comment. It wasn't that I thought she was lying, but I didn't see what there was about me that she could possibly find necessary.

After a while she broke the silence. "So, while you were gone I asked Alice to help me with something. Well, it really was Jasper who helped the most since he's really good with computers, and the Cullens have all kinds of search applications I don't have access to. I hope you don't mind that I asked them, but I wasn't able to find too much out on my own and I was going crazy with you gone and I wanted to find her for you."

I pulled back so I could see her face. She was biting her lip. Was she anxious? "You found Emilie?" I asked slowly.

"We found Emilie."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for how long this took. RL is nuts. E &amp; B got wordier than I anticipated. But you don't mind, right? ;) Thanks so much for the reviews- I love hearing what you think!**


	16. Relief

15\. Relief

.

Emilie survived.

She _survived_.

The relief weakened me to the point that I was thankful I was already sitting down. Bella's body vibrated against mine and I knew she was still speaking, but I couldn't focus on her words.

"Edward?"

I clutched her more tightly and buried my face in her hair. She ran her fingers up my spine and scratched lightly at my scalp, making me sag against her. It was so relaxing when she did that.

"What's wrong, Edward?" she murmured.

"I..." My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. "I really thought I'd killed her."

"You thought you injured her on the way to the hospital?"

"No. At least, I didn't think I did. I took care not to." I repressed an unmanly whimper as she pulled her hand from my hair and leaned back to see my face.

"I don't understand what you mean then. Why did you think you killed her?"

Surely the reason was obvious? "If not for me, she wouldn't have been injured in the first place. She would have slept the night through, peacefully in her bed." I met Bella's eyes and flinched back in surprise at the irritation on her face.

"How, exactly, is it _your_ fault? Did you pull Emilie from her bed?"

"No, but—"

"Did you tell him where to find her? Lead him to her house? Point out her bedroom?"

"No! Of course not."

"Then why is it your fault? _He_ did it to Emilie. _He_ searched for someone you knew. _He_ hurt her, not you. He was a sick, terrible, evil, disgusting monster and I hate him! I'm glad you killed him. I hope he _suffered_."

She was flushed and shaking, her eyes glinting with tears, and I was torn between kissing her senseless and worshiping at her feet. I settled for pulling her back into my arms and cradling her against me. "Shh, my Bella. He's gone. He's been gone a long time."

"Not long enough," she muttered, then took a deep breath and continued more calmly. "Listen, Edward. Remember how we talked about Carlisle? You don't think it's his fault that you were stolen from him."

"Of course not."

"Carlisle's not responsible for what that monster chose to do, or for the choices you made later."

I nodded, not sure what she was getting at.

"Okay. So why are you responsible for Tredan's choices then? You didn't want him to take Emilie. Just because he hoped to hurt you by finding someone you knew doesn't make it your fault." She leaned back and put her warm hand on my cheek. "It's not your fault that he hurt her. You saved her from him, Edward."

I scoffed, and she sighed in exasperation.

"He was hurting her and planned to kill her. You stopped him. How is that not saving her?"

"I doubt she thought so highly of me." I clenched my jaw, remembering how she'd whimpered in terror and cowered from me.

To my surprise, Bella laughed. She pulled away from me and got up, avoiding my surprised grasp. "I know she did. Hold on a sec." She rummaged through her backpack, then sank back into my lap with a folded piece of paper in her hand. "The rest of our notes are back at the Cullens' house, but I copied this to bring home. Emilie got married when she was twenty. She and her husband had six kids… Anyway, here. Look at the names."

I took the paper and shook it open, easily deciphering her rapidly scrawled writing.

_Emilie Grace Haddon married to Henry Thomas Browning May 10, 1930_

_Thomas Haddon born April 4, 1931_

_Margaret Grace born November 27, 1932_

_Edward Masen_

My eyes stopped moving and I stared in disbelief.

Bella pressed a kiss to the corner of my frozen mouth. "See?" she demanded triumphantly.

_Edward Masen_ _born August 2, 1934_

Emilie had named her son after me.

.

.

Before I'd recovered from the shock of seeing my name on the list of Emilie's children, Alice called Bella insisting that she go to school. Bella had argued at first, but when Alice said darkly, "If you skip, Charlie won't let you go on that trip we talked about," she had leapt up and run to her closet without a backward glance.

I know Bella needs to live her life and fulfill her responsibilities. I want her to do that, truly. My presence in her life should never keep her from anything she wants or needs to do. But I would be lying if I said the way she eagerly jumped up to ready herself for school to ensure she wouldn't miss out on a trip away from me didn't sting a little.

Fine. More than a little.

Eagerness aside, school is where she rightfully belonged today. And so Bella's at school and I am here, standing in the trees not far from the Cullens' house, trying to muster the courage to go nearer.

It's preposterous that I would feel braver with a small human girl by my side.

I forced myself to move closer, only to freeze in my tracks when Carlisle ran out the door and straight towards me. It wasn't until he abruptly stopped some twenty feet away that I realized I was in a defensive crouch, and snarling.

He raised his hands in the air as sign of his peaceable intent. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." _Please don't leave. Please._

I resisted my instincts and forced myself upright. "It's okay." I cleared my throat, trying to get the residual growl out of it. "I overreacted."

He slowly lowered his hands, his mind a strange mixture of caution and joy. "Alice called and said you were here, and I didn't think. I just…" _I was so happy. I've been afraid you would never come back. _

While it wasn't a surprise that he'd had no intention of injuring me, it was a bit of a shock to realize exactly why he had run to me. He had been so eager to see me that he hadn't been willing to wait for me to finish my approach to the house. I hadn't thought there was anyone in the world who would truly be _that_ happy at my presence. Aside from Bella, of course—I had no difficulty envisioning her launching herself from the house that way. But Carlisle, or anyone else? It was a completely foreign concept.

We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, then started speaking at the same time. He gestured for me to continue.

"I'm sorry I left the way I did," I blurted out. "I overreacted then as well."

"No, Edward, there's no need to apologize. I can appreciate how overwhelming this must be for you."

I huffed a laugh. After the life I'd led, to discover I had a good creator, a family, the option of animal blood… he was a master of understatement. "Overwhelming. Yes."

"What I said…" He sighed and ran a hand through his fair hair, disordering it. "I don't want to upset you, Edward, but I need to say it. I know I had no way of knowing you were still there, but I am truly sorry I didn't stay longer in Chicago."

I sighed heavily, feeling sad rather than angry. "Carlisle, it's not your fault. That I was taken from you, that you thought I'd left Chicago, the horrific choices I made later… none of it is your fault."

He smiled faintly. "So I've been told. I'm sure I'll come to believe it eventually."

I hoped so. "Bella says that Emilie isn't my fault—do you think that's true?"

"Your fault? In what way?"

"In.. in any way, I guess. That Tredan took her, and hurt her, and… she was so afraid of me, after I destroyed him. I terrorized her."

His hand twitched towards me, then fell to his side as he remembered what happened the last time he tried to touch me. "I doubt if you were the only thing she found frightening. The whole situation must have been terrifying to the poor girl. And of course none of it was your fault, Edward. You were in no position to control anything that Tredan decided to do. You were his victim as much as Emilie was." His face lightened and he chuckled. "And I suppose I was his victim as well. I should take my own advice, eh?"

"That's not always so easy to do," I stated, even as I realized that for him, it apparently was. His mind was considerably eased, and he was focusing on simply being grateful that I was well, that I was here, that Tredan was no longer a threat to anyone, that Emilie had survived…

"They told you about Emilie? That she lived?"

He looked startled. "I keep forgetting you can read minds. That will take some getting used to." I started to apologize and he waved it away. "It's not as though I didn't know you could do it; I just forgot. But yes, they told me. Bella said you hadn't been sure if Emilie would recover from her injuries. And you were right to worry; they were extensive. It's a good thing you stopped him when you did. I can show you what they uncovered, if you like." His phone began to buzz. He glanced at it and smirked. "Or perhaps we should wait for Alice and Bella to be here. They have been very excited about their discoveries and I wouldn't like to steal their thunder." There was another short buzz from his phone, a text this time. "Alice says she'll bring Bella home from school with her."

I smiled, more at the thought of being with Bella again than at seeing what they'd found. I already knew Emilie hadn't been killed by Tredan. That was more than enough.

_Oh, will they ever come in? I wish Carlisle hadn't said to stay here._

My eyes flicked towards the house. "Esme is wishing we would come inside."

"Of course; shall we go in? I apologize, but after how upset you became when you were here last I asked her to stay the house."

"Perfectly understandable," I assured him. And it was.

As he turned to walk towards the house, he asked uncomfortably, "I know the circumstances weren't ideal, but while you were gone, did you try the animal diet?"

He kept to a human pace and I fell into step beside him. "Yes, I fed on the way back here. Two deer and a mountain lion."

He brightened. "I'm sorry you had to go alone for the first time, but what did you think of it?"

"The mountain lion was better than the deer, but they still were the foulest, most repugnant things I ever drank," I told him honestly. He eyed me uncertainly and I realized I was grinning. "And the most wonderful. Because never again, Carlisle. I never have to kill a human again."

He reached out and gingerly put his hand on my shoulder. When I didn't flinch away he squeezed it in affirmation, both of our minds jubilant. "No, Edward. You never have to live that life again."

* * *

**A/N: I've given up making predictions on the exact number of chapters left since I doubt I'll be correct, but this isn't the last one. The Emilie subplot will be taking over a bit before this gets wrapped up. I'm putting Emilie's wedding picture and another one from her childhood on my Tumblr if you'd like to see them- I'm whilewewereyetsinners on there, too. All the pictures from my stories are tagged with the title. Thanks for reading- please review!**


	17. Deluge

16\. Deluge

.

A smile split my face as Bella's noisy truck turned off the highway onto the Cullens' long driveway. I resisted the urge to run out to meet her and tried to maintain my conversation with Carlisle and Esme, but wasn't very successful. After my fourth distracted reply I heard a smothered giggle.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly, running a hand through my hair.

"No, no," Carlisle said smoothly. "Esme shouldn't laugh just because you agreed that polka-dotted sheep are the best."

"I… what?"

He fought to keep a straight face. "After all, it was her idea to paint them so she shouldn't find it so humorous."

I transferred my blank stare to Esme. She gave up restraining herself and laughed outright. "I'm sorry, Edward," she said in an unrepentant voice. "I couldn't resist."

I was saved from having to reply by the noisy arrival of the school "kids." Emmett was insisting, "I'm just saying, Mrs. Bailey doesn't know anything about Prohibition. She has no business lumping normal people who had stills in their back sheds in with people like Capone and Luciano."

Alice said sotto voce, "Says the person who had a still in his back shed." She danced away as her tried to ruffle her hair.

"Can it, shorty. I didn't have a still at all." A grin flashed across his face. "My oldest brother did, though. And my uncle, and three of my cousins… or was it four?" He frowned, trying to remember, then shrugged. "It doesn't matter. The _point_ is that someone needs to tell her she's wrong."

"There _is_ no point in trying to educate the teachers, Em." Jasper sounded exasperated, as though it wasn't the first time he'd said it. "Seriously, how many times have you watched me try and fail? It's not worth the aggravation."

Bella edged past the others and looked around the room, a beautiful smile breaking across her face when her eyes met mine. She launched herself at me as I started to get up and I laughed as I caught her, the tiny, painful ache in my chest finally soothed.

"Told you he was here!" Alice sang. "Now aren't you glad you didn't go home first?"

I settled back into the couch and kissed Bella's head. I was certainly glad she didn't go home first. She'd been away too long already.

Emmett gave up trying to sway Jasper into agreeing with him. "Humph. Bells, what do you think? I should try to get Mrs. Bailey to see the error of her ways, right?"

"Hmmm?" she murmured into my neck. "Sorry, Emmett, what'd you say?"

"Oh, I see how it is. Now that Eddie's back you have no interest in the rest of us." He gave a good impression of being offended but his mind was amused.

"Edward please, Emmett," I told him stiffly, trying to decide if I should stop him from teasing Bella. "Not Eddie."

"Edward," he pronounced exaggeratedly. "Now that Ed. Ward. is back, Bella doesn't care about the rest of us anymore."

Bella sat up in my lap, distressed, as I hissed at him. He shouldn't upset her for his own amusement. "That's not true!" she exclaimed. "Of course I care about all of you!"

"Just ignore him, Bella," Rosalie advised coolly. "He's not really upset." Her eyes flicked over to me. _And you know it, so calm down. He would never hurt her._

Bella looked to Jasper for confirmation. "He's just yanking your chain, missy."

"Aw, you guys ruin all my fun!" Emmett complained, his eyes dancing. I watched through his eyes as Bella stuck her tongue out at him, and marveled at her ease with him—with all of them. She was more comfortable around them than I was. True, she had spent more time with them than I had, but she was _human_. Shouldn't she be just a little afraid?

"Speaking of fun, come on, Bella! We have to show Edward what we found!" Alice grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her up. "Edward, do you want us to bring it all out here with everyone, or would you rather have privacy?" _I don't think there's anything you would be uncomfortable sharing._

"Here's fine," I decided. There was nothing about Emilie that I wanted to hide, and really, how much information could they have found?Just knowing I hadn't killed her was more than I'd dared to hope for.

"Yay! We'll be right back!" She darted away, tugging an off-balance Bella behind her.

"She's the one you need to worry about hurting her," Rosalie said dispassionately.

"Rosalie!" Esme chided.

"What? Oh, she won't hurt her on purpose, but she's like a little kid who hugs a kitten too hard. One day she's going to get a bit too enthusiastic, that's all."

I looked in alarm at the staircase Alice and Bella had gone up and thought about going after them.

"I can hear you, you know." Alice's voice filtered to us at a pitch Bella was unlikely to be able to hear. "I'm not going to hurt her, Edward—I'm always careful." Her voice changed. "Here, Bella, is this too much for you to carry?"

Ten minutes later, I was sitting on the floor trying to absorb the details on the mounds of paper surrounding me. And to think I had thought they wouldn't have found very much! Vampire brain or not, this was just too much to take in. I'd already been inundated with information about Emilie, but there were also sheaves of paper detailing the lives of her children, her siblings and their children, and classmates and neighbors I could, at best, barely remember. Then there was close to a ream with details about my grandparents, my parents, and even myself.

I hadn't any idea they had gathered this much information. All I'd really wanted to know was if Emilie had survived her encounter with me, but even the information about her was overwhelming, since she'd more than survived.

She was still alive today.

I shook my head, trying to marshal my thoughts and decide who I wanted to learn about next. "Uh, Jack?"

"Your friend Jack?" Alice clarified. "He's this pile." She flicked through the stack to locate the sheets on which she'd written a summation of his history. She and Bella had done that for each of the major players, giving an overview of important events and listing the documents they'd discovered. It was tremendously helpful, but still…

I looked at the thousands of pages of printed out documents and typed information that caged me against the couch.

It was too much.

Bella reached across the pile of paper separating us and touched my hand. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Yes," I replied automatically, then amended, "I think. I… this is just… more… than I expected. Don't misunderstand, I really appreciate all the trouble you went to," I included Alice and Jasper in my look. "It's just… a lot."

Bella bit her lip, looking remorseful. "It's too much, isn't it? I should have realized… Alice, help me find all the summary sheets?"

Jasper and Esme knelt down to help and in no time at the summary sheets were extracted and the rest of the papers were tapped into tidy stacks and whisked away to a large mahogany table in the incongruous dining room. Bella moved to sit next to me, her back against the couch, and handed me several pieces of paper stapled together. "This one is about Jack."

I slid closer to her as I took it, trying to be surreptitious about it, then watched through Carlisle's eyes as she looked at me assessingly, a small furrow between her brows. She scooted close enough to lean her shoulder against my arm, and I sighed in relief.

I read about my best friend's life, wishing I'd been there to share the pleasure of his joys and the burden of his sorrows. I sucked in my breath as I read of his wife's death. "Helen," I murmured, and tried to remember if I'd known her.

"She was a year behind the two of you in school," Bella said quietly, once again making me wonder how she knew me so well. "I don't know if you remember her. We have pictures if you want to see them. It's so sad; she was only twenty-four, and both babies…"

The image of the still, pale infant was back in Esme's mind, and in Rosalie's was a curly-headed baby who looked remarkably like Emmett.

"Even today, with all the advances in medicine, eclampsia is still a killer," Carlisle said quietly. "It's uncommon for it to strike after an unremarkable first pregnancy, but carrying multiples increases the likelihood, as apparently happened here."

"He had Johnny, his oldest boy," Alice pointed out somberly. "And he remarried eventually and had more children."

"Not that it could make up for what he lost," Esme clarified in her gentle voice. "But he recovered as best he could and continued living. He chose to live for his son, and for himself. He was happy again, and lived a long life."

The words on the paper began to swim before my eyes. Births and schools and marriages and deaths. My best friend's life reduced to mere dates in black ink.

I was on my feet before I knew I meant to stand. "Forgive me. I… forgive me."

Then I was out the door before anyone had a chance to react.

* * *

**A/N: Don't worry, he's not going far. ;) So sorry for disappearing for so long- my daughter graduated, my husband got a new job, and we moved. It's been a crazy summer and I'm ready for a vacation. LOL The next chapter is almost finished and will be up in a day or two. This weekend I'll be posting a bunch of pictures and probably a family tree on my tumblr- I'm whilewewereyetsinners on there too. Just search for the love is sweeter tag. :) In other news, I'm donating a one-shot to the Fandom 4 Autism. My younger daughter is on the spectrum so I'm especially excited about it. (I****f you want to donate to the cause and receive a compilation of stories, you've got until 1 September to do so at fandom4autism DOT wordpress DOT com)Thanks for reading- please review!  
**


	18. Jack

17\. Jack

.

I stood on the far edge of the clearing behind the Cullens' house, trying to listen to the river instead of the murmured disagreement inside the house. I don't know why they bothered trying to be quiet—it wasn't as though I couldn't hear every word. I seriously considered calling out to tell them so and watched the results of that thought flash across Alice's mind.

_We try to give at least the pretense of privacy_, she explained.

Would her talent always surprise and discompose me? I suppose not. With a potentially limitless existence stretching before me I have time enough to become accustomed to anything.

The thought made me want to hit something, or to run. Not run away as I had before, just to _run_: run until my mind relaxed and all I knew were the smells and sounds and tastes of the forest.

Though pulverizing a boulder to microscopic particles of dust sounded pretty appealing at this moment, too.

Not that I could do either of those things with Bella watching me out the window and an argument raging over whether she should be allowed to come out to me.

"He won't hurt her, Jazz," Alice insisted, even as I watched myself pace, turn suddenly with a hand outstretched and accidentally deal Bella a glancing blow on her arm. A glancing blow which knocked her a good ten feet away from me. I shuddered, my hands clenching into fists. _Just pay attention to what you're doing and everything will be fine, Edward. _

"I'm not saying he'll hurt her on purpose, but I don't like his emotions. He's upset and she's too breakable." After meeting the Cullens I had quickly come to realize that Jasper was always pragmatic. I found it both commendable and irksome.

Esme wanted to support Bella, but she cared too much about each of us to want to take a chance on things ending badly. "Perhaps someone else should go out first and see how he is?" _I'm sorry, Edward. It's not that I don't trust you. She's just so delicate._ She thought of her perpetual caution around Bella—she was not so accustomed to touching humans as Carlisle was and found it a bit nerve-wracking.

Carlisle was torn. His inclination was to err on the side of caution, keep Bella inside, and come speak to me himself, but he was uncertain what I would prefer to have happen in this situation (he made a mental note to ask me when this was all over) and didn't want to alienate me by doing the wrong thing. And as Bella kept pointing out, with increasing exasperation, she _is_ my mate. He wasn't sure if it was right to interfere, even to keep her safe, but he also knew me well enough to know that if I accidentally injured her I would never forgive myself.

Emmett thought that everyone was being ridiculous, and said so. "I think you're all being ridiculous. If she wants to go outside, let her." Then he thought about how much he liked her. I winced at his mental image of what he thought might happen if I lost my temper. "Or, look, I'll go talk to him first. Cheer him up a bit."

"No," Bella said flatly. "I appreciate your concern, but Edward is my mate and he's upset and I'm going to go talk to him."

"She's right." I watched through Rosalie's eyes as Bella looked at her with surprised gratitude, and the others simply with surprise. "She's human, not stupid. She can make her own decisions."

I didn't particularly like what was in her mind: jealousy of her husband's growing affection for Bella, exasperation with her family's fascination with the girl and with me, but there was something else… _Don't you hurt her, Edward Masen!_ she thought fiercely, then backpedaled rapidly: _You'll upset everybody if you do. Haven't you disrupted things enough already_?

Yes, underlying it all was irritation at her own unwilling fondness for Bella.

I smirked, wanting in some way to let Rosalie know what I'd realized, but restrained myself. After all, like Alice said, I should attempt to give the pretense of privacy.

I knew I should be ashamed of my own sanctimony, but found myself too amused. And then I heard the door open and shut, and could smell Bella's scent wafting towards me on the breeze. I began to relax even before I felt her warmth touch me.

She stood silently next to me, the sleeve of her jacket barely brushing against my arm, and I reached for her hand, twining my fingers with hers. Her breath caught, and released on a shuddering sigh, and I realized she was crying.

"Bella?" Why was she upset? Had the disagreement inside the house bothered her that much?

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, surprising me. "I shouldn't have… we should have just looked for Emilie, just to see that she lived. That was all you asked me to do. But when I realized how much they could find out about people I was so excited." She swiped at her face with her free hand. "I thought you would be happy that we'd found out so much, but it was too much and we were too intrusive, and I'm really sorry."

"No, love," I exclaimed, dismayed. "It was too much to take in all at once, that's true, but I'm glad you discovered so much."

She asked timidly, "You are? You really don't think we were too nosy?"

"I really don't," I reassured her firmly. "I think it was very kind of you all to go to the trouble."

She sighed again and leaned her head against my shoulder. We stood silently for a time, just listening to the river and the birdsong in the distance. Eventually I felt calm enough to admit, "I feel guilty."

"_You_ do?" she asked blankly. "Why?"

"He was my closest friend, and his wife… she _died_, Bella, and his babies, and I should… he must have… I know he had family, other friends. I know that. He wasn't alone. But I should have been there for him. I…" My voice shook as I thought about what I had been doing instead. "I should have been there. "

"You would have been there for him, if you could," she replied quietly.

I blurted out quickly, before I could stop myself, "The worst thing is, I can't remember him as well as I would like. I recall some things, bits and pieces, but I don't know if I'm even remembering his face correctly. He deserves better. You know more about him, about everyone who was important to me, than I do." I forced a smile and tried to joke, "I haven't yet read what you discovered about myself, but you probably know more than I do about me, too."

She wasn't amused, but then I didn't really find it humorous myself. Why had I tried so hard to forget my human past? I wished I could go back and change it.

"Maybe as you go through the papers and look at the pictures you'll be able to remember more?" she suggested hopefully.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closely against me, more thankful for her than I could express. "I hope so," I murmured, just as I heard a purposefully loud mental voice from the house.

_Tell Bella to ask you, Edward. She's been wanting to ask you something for weeks, and I can see she isn't going to do it now._

"So, Bella…" She immediately took on an air of suspicion at the change in my tone. "Alice says you have something to ask me?"

She flashed a look of pure irritation back at the house. "I don't think I should ask you now. It was a stupid idea."

"I doubt that. Just ask me." When she remained silent I coaxed her. "Come on, ask me. The worst thing that could happen is that I'll say no."

She muttered, "The worst that could happen is you think I'm an insensitive idiot."

"Never," I vowed fiercely. "Look at me, Bella." She raised her eyes reluctantly to mine. Her lashes were wet and her nose was still a little pink from crying. She was so beautiful she made my chest hurt. Her lip was quivering so I kissed it into stillness. "I will never think that of you. Back when I was getting to know you, one of the first things I learned is how you take care of the people you love. I know whatever you've thought of, you did it with my best interest in mind. So. Ask me."

"Okay," she conceded reluctantly. "I don't know if you're going to even want to do this now—I know this is all overwhelming and if you don't want to go it's okay. But in a couple of weeks it's spring break at school and Alice and I were thinking that we could all, well not all of us since Emmett and Rosalie made plans long ago to go to Belgium for the week, but the rest of the Cullens and I, we were wondering if you wanted—the tenants in your house are going to be out of the country, and Esme already arranged to go check on things while they're gone, and—"

"Bella?" I interrupted, a smile curving up the side of my mouth. "What are you trying to ask me?"

She took a big breath and closed her eyes. "Do you want to go to Chicago and see your house? And maybe look in on Emilie? You don't have to!"

I ran my fingers down the curve of her cheek, then gently worked her lip out from between her teeth. "You are too good to me."

Her eyes flew open in surprise. "That… is not the reaction I was expecting you to have."

"I could tell," I teased her. "You were about to chew your lip off."

She huffed and wrinkled her nose at me. "Well?" she asked with some asperity.

I thought about it. If I was honest, the thought of going back made me a little anxious, especially after how overwhelming this afternoon had been. On the other hand, I had a couple of weeks to mentally gird myself… and I did like the idea of showing Bella where I came from…

"Yes," I decided. I ignored the squeal from the house and watched the smile spread across Bella's face.

"Yes?"

"I would love to see my house with you. Yes."

"And Emilie?"

I wasn't sure how that would work. I didn't know if she'd recognize me after all this time, but it didn't seem wise to take the chance. Perhaps the plan was for me to see her in the night while she was sleeping? I'd have to talk logistics with everyone before I decided. "We'll see."

"Okay," she agreed easily, her eyes glowing. "But we're really going to go? See your house and your old neighborhood? I know it'll be different, but I bet it helps you remember things."

I pulled her into a hug and rested my cheek against her head, thinking how fortuitous it was that I did indeed want to go, since I knew I wouldn't be able to refuse her anything that made her this happy. And to think that her happiness was for me, for the memories I might regain and the pleasure she hoped the trip would give me! I was completely bewildered by my good fortune. "Yes, love. We're really going to Chicago."

* * *

**A/N: Yay! We're going to Chicago! Let me know how you think the trip will go, and if there's anything you'd especially like them to do there. :) I'll be posting more stuff on tumblr- Masen family pictures, Edward Sr and Elizabeth's wedding clothes, and hopefully Jack and Emilie's family tree. I'm whilewewereyetsinners there too- just search for the Love is Sweeter Than Betrayal tag. :)  
**


	19. Return

19\. Return

.

I got out of the car and froze, staring at the façade of my childhood home.

We'd been all over the city today, visiting places that should have been familiar to me. The school I'd attended for a decade barely stirred any memories, although according to the information we had the exterior of the building was the same. Landmarks which were in existence during my youth were nevertheless unrecognizable. Even this street: the trees were so changed, as were many of the houses. I wouldn't have known where I was by appearance alone. But my house…

Memories swamped me, no less precious for being fragmented: long-forgotten glimpses of my parents, the life I'd had, my friends… For a moment I could see Jack's face, hear his laughter. He was laughing when he shoved my shoulder playfully as we walked together through the front door, making me stumble into the doorframe. I shoved him back, then we both straightened guiltily as my mother glided out of the parlor. _Now, boys, let's behave like gentlemen, shall we?_ She drew close enough for me to see that the amusement in her eyes belied her severe expression. _At least while you're inside the house. _We'd proceeded decorously up the stairs to my room where, once safely behind the closed door, we'd burst into laughter and—

"Edward?"

Startled, my eyes turned to Bella even as a part of my mind carefully filed the memory away, to be pulled out and enjoyed later.

She was staring up at me hopefully. "You… do you remember something?"

"I remember the house. And other things—just bits and pieces of things, really, except for one thing with Jack; we were about fifteen, coming back here from somewhere, and—"

Bella flung her arms into a chokehold around my neck, cutting me off. "You can remember Jack now? You remember his face?"

I pulled her up against me and buried my face in her hair. I think my hands were shaking. "And his laugh, and his voice, though it was mixed with mine so it was hard to completely distinguish. My mother scolded us for roughhousing inside, so we told her 'Yes, ma'am' like good boys, then went up to my room and laughed." I felt her body quiver and frowned. "Are you… you're not crying?"

Her only response was a sniffle, which I took as a yes. Why on earth was she crying?

"Bella?" I demanded, alarmed.

She finally replied, her voice muffled against my neck, "I'm just so relieved. We've gone so many places today and you've barely remembered anything and I was afraid coming here would be no different, and I wanted you to remember so _badly_. And you did, you remembered Jack's face and you guys were being boyish and dumb and… and I'm so happy!" She finished on a wail, then sniffled again and took a deep breath, swiping at her face. "Sorry. I'm being stupid."

"You are not," I contradicted her. "I was afraid of the same thing, and I'm relieved, too. And happy, and if I could cry, I probably would. I _remember_ him, Bella!" I exulted. "I remember his face—not stiff and serious in a portrait, but moving and expressive, and his laugh, and personality—what a gift you've given me!" I looked at the four Cullens waiting across the street, in front of my old house, attempting to give us some privacy though I knew they'd be able to hear every word. "What a gift you've all given me."

They met my smile with their own and I looked again at the house. I tilted my head to the side, squinting a little. "There's something different."

"The stained glass is gone—we had to replace the first floor windows," Esme said apologetically. "One was lost to neighbor children playing baseball in the street and another to a storm. I preserved most of the last one and used it in the master bathroom. You'll see when we go upstairs."

Bella looked at me inquisitively. Of course she hadn't been able to hear. I urged her across the street, repeating, "She says it looks different because the stained glass is gone. Shall we look inside?"

Esme led us through the house, explaining the changes that had been made. The interior was very different from the few memories I had, but how could it be otherwise after the passage of so many years? I was more surprised that so many things were the same: the entryway, the woodwork, the mantelpieces, even the bookcases in my father's office. Every familiar sight prompted a flash of memory. Coming home from school, my books swinging from my hand by the strap. My parents talking to each other. Talking to me. Discussions over dinner. My father turning to look at me, a book in his hand, his brows raised inquiringly. Sneaking food from the pantry. People gathered in our home for a party. Playing the piano for them; a teenage girl creeping closer, watching me shyly through her lashes, making my hands fumble, as Jack and another boy snickered at me from across the room. Playing the piano for my parents after dinner. Playing the piano for myself, wrestling with difficult passages and my deep satisfaction when I conquered them.

I knew I had played. I told Bella as much when she wanted to know my history. But somehow I had forgotten how much I loved it.

Voices of people long dead echoing through my head, we silently ascended the familiar staircase. The altered wear pattern on the treads felt strange beneath my feet. I automatically turned to the right at the top, ignoring the other doorways as I walked directly to my bedroom.

Lost in the past as I was, it didn't surprise me that the room was so little changed. This was my room. It was supposed to have this wallpaper, these windows, this fireplace and radiator. I strode to the hearth, seeing not my inhumanly perfect face in the mirror above the mantel, but the one I should see.

Softer. A hint of boyish roundness. Hair severely parted and tamed close to my head. Dressed for the evening. My mother's voice in my ear. _Edward, I understand why you want to enlist. I do. And I admire that sense of valor, the strength in you that wants to fight for what's right. _

A barely suppressed eye roll.

_I wouldn't want my son to be a coward or to care nothing for the suffering of others. All I'm asking is for you to stop and consider the best way to accomplish your desires. _

Irritation. A muscle twitching in my cheek.

_Can you be of the most use by enlisting as a common soldier? Would it not be better to continue your education and become an officer? _

My voice, frustration poorly veiled. _Be honest, Mother. Your hope is that if I defer long enough I will be no longer needed._

Her hand, reaching to straighten my tie. Coddling me. It was insufferable.

_I am a grown man! I can fix my own tie!_

Unspoken remorse. Her trembling lips pressed together. My hands shaking as I adjust my tie. The air is heavy with grief.

"Edward, I'm sorry."

My head turns as I tell her, "No, I should be the one to…" My voice trails away. I'm shocked not to see my mother. Another woman is there.

"I didn't know what you would want," the woman continued. "As we renovated over the years, I tried to keep some familiar elements so that if," she threw a slight smile over her shoulder at Alice, "rather, _when_ you found us the house would be at least somewhat recognizable. I took more effort to preserve your room, hoping that if you remembered nothing else at least it should be familiar." She touched my arm gently, then withdrew her hand at my continued unnatural stillness. "But perhaps I left it too unaltered. I apologize, Edward. I never intended to upset you."

Oh. It's Esme. And Bella just beyond, her eyes wide and her teeth worrying her lip. Carlisle, Jasper and Alice lingered in the doorway. Alice's eyes were blank, visions of my future flickering through our heads at lightning speed.

The future and the past and the present were an indecipherable mish mash in my brain. I felt an artificial calm seep into me and glanced gratefully at Jasper. Bella and Esme were looking more distressed by the second and I needed to pull myself together. "No," I told her, fighting to keep my voice steady, "I'm glad the house is so much the same. I just wish…" My trembling lips pressed together, mirroring the memory of my mother's, as a wave of homesickness swept over me, stronger than I'd felt since my first bewildering, terrifying days as a vampire.

I want to tell my mother I'm sorry.

I want to go home.

.

.

I lay curled around Bella on the wide sofa in the living area of the hotel suite, watching the hair on my arm sway to and fro with her slow, even breaths. Every once in a while the pattern would change as she fought sleep, but it soon eased back into the same rhythm.

We'd finished going through the house after my little breakdown—a flashback, Jasper had called it, something Carlisle had pronounced to be perfectly normal, and perhaps, under the circumstances, even to be expected.

Which had irked me, since _I_ certainly hadn't been expecting it, but at least his calm acceptance had made Bella feel better.

Speaking of whom… her breathing changed again as she startled herself awake and I sighed noiselessly. "You should just go to sleep, love."

Her response was no surprise. "No," she murmured mulishly. "Not until you leave."

Earlier tonight, while Bella ate a room service dinner that she assured us was delicious, we all discussed the changing logistics of visiting Emilie. The original plan had been to go during normal visiting hours the next day, but unfortunately Emilie's health had taken a downturn and Alice saw that she would now have family visiting over the next few days. I then joked that I would just return for her 95th birthday, which is a little over a week away, but Alice had soberly replied that I couldn't.

If nothing changes Emilie will die in three days.

There then was so much talking: how good it is that I'm here now, and do I really still want to see her, and is it safe to sneak in at night, and there's a two-hour window of opportunity, and no seeing me won't kill her, and on and on until Bella finally put an end to it by asking me what I wanted to do.

Alice assured me that it was safe for us to go and that seeing me won't scare Emilie, and Jasper offered to be outside her window to help if we need him.

So I said that I want to go tonight. That I want Carlisle and Esme to stay here to keep Bella safe. And that in the morning I want to leave Chicago.

I didn't say that I don't want to ever come back. But judging by the expression on Bella's face, she knew it.

.

.

Alice and I crept on silent feet into Emilie's room at the nursing home. It was large and comfortably furnished, with various pictures and personal items giving it a touch of hominess, and I was glad to see that it truly was as nice as we had been led to expect. The head of Emilie's bed was partially raised and she was curled slightly towards her stroke damaged side. I squinted at her, trying to see the girl I had known in the shrunken, fragile woman in the bed.

_Look_, Alice thought, gesturing to a framed photo on the bedside table. In it an elderly couple danced, smiling and engrossed in one another. _This must be of her and Henry. It's so sad._

I frowned down at her, unsure why she was saddened by such a lovely picture.

She looked up at me, her expression solemn. _They were so happy, and now she's alone. Human lives are so short. _She touched the picture with a gentle finger, then slanted a glance up at me. _Don't you think?_

This wasn't the first time in the past week or so that she'd made such a comment. She could see two futures for Bella— one as a human, and one as a vampire— and wanted to persuade me to change her. I knew she was motivated by her love for her friend, but it wasn't a decision to be made lightly. And it certainly wasn't one that I was going to discuss with her before I discussed it with Bella.

She sighed nearly soundlessly, seeing that I wasn't going to answer her, and moved to look at the other pictures around the room. I took another look at the photograph, then the frail creature in the bed, who was dreaming peacefully of youthful days with her husband.

Alice was right. It was sad.

"So, where are we going next?" Alice asked at vampire pitch.

I looked at her blankly.

"Later on, after we check out. You haven't made a decision yet."

I was tactless in my surprise. "You're coming with us?"

"Of course. We all are. Unless you don't want us to." Uncertainty—no, it was hurt— flickered across her face.

"I have no objection…" I began courteously, then remembered the fleeting expression on her face and opted for honesty. "I would like you all to come, but I don't want you to do it out of obligation. I know we had plans for the rest of the week, tickets to the theatre and so on."

She scoffed. "Edward, really! When are you going to accept that we're your family? As though we'd want to go to the theatre or a museum while you're off somewhere struggling through this!"

I stared at a picture of a seated Emilie and Henry surrounded by a large group of people. Family reunion, perhaps. They were all smiling.

Alice's mind grew nervous with my silence. "We're not always together. I don't want you to think you'll never get rid of us if you want to be alone. We spend a lot of time just with our mates; we even live separately at times, and—"

"You truly think of me that way?" I interrupted. I turned so I could see her face. "As your family?"

She appeared perplexed, but said simply, "You're my brother. You always have been."

Telepathy is a much more complex thing than most people realize, more than merely hearing thoughts or seeing what someone sees. When people talk, the words they say are not usually the only things in their heads. The mind is always working— reacting to stimuli, selecting and discarding words, problem solving— and speech for both human and vampire is often layered with unconscious nuance: emotions, smells, sounds, memories. The memories that had just flashed through Alice's mind were so fragmented and fleeting that she may not have even realized she'd had them, but they confirmed her words in a way that little else could. Judging by my clothing, they were from her earliest visions of me: images of me golden-eyed, laughing with Carlisle and wrestling with Emmett; others of me on a seedy city street, face expressionless, fedora pulled down to hide empty red eyes.

The emotion underlying both was the same. Regardless of how I was living or the color of my eyes, she had longed to meet me. In the decades she spent alone she had yearned not only for her future-mate but for her future-family. She had known and loved all of us long before she ever met us. And when she finally met Jasper, when she finally met the rest of the Cullens, she had told them about me and had made them want to meet me, too. The Cullens' easy acceptance had unsettled me and made me suspicious, but this was the reason for it: years before I was expected, Alice had carved out a space for me in the family.

I had, indeed, always been her brother.

Words failed me. Alice smiled at me anyway, so widely that her eyes crinkled around the edges, and visions of me fully integrated into the family flashed through our heads. Then a different vision overtook her, just as I heard Emilie's mind sharpening towards wakefulness.

_She's waking up_, Alice thought, the vision of Emilie watching me still in her mind.

Now that the moment was here I felt a jolt of panic. "You're sure this will be okay?"

Alice nodded, her eyes bright, and Jasper thought from outside, __Stop worrying, would you? _ I won't let her get upset._

_Now, who is that, I wonder?_

Emilie's mind had joined the fray. I took a deep, steadying breath, and turned to meet the curious eyes of the girl I had last seen in 1919.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to leave it here- I have spent the last month writing and re-writing and deleting and re-writing and pulling out my hair and deleting and rewriting the next section and I'm still not happy with it. The end of it is written, as is most of the epilogue, so hopefully I'll be able to wrap this up by the end of the year. I'll be posting the picture of old Emily and Henry dancing and pictures of Edward's house on my writing tumblr (also whilewewereyetsinners) if you're interested in seeing them. I've also started a new tumblr blog (during an episode of deleting insipid conversation and cursing myself for ever having thought of becoming a writer) which focuses on images of the Cullens and other vampires in clothing they would have worn as the decades/centuries passed. It's called cullencouture, and if historical clothing (or ridiculous pictures of the Cullen men in the 70s) interest you I hope you'll check it out. :) **


	20. Emilie

20\. Emilie

Her faded eyes narrowed as she took me in, with my too-young face and untamed hair and expensive clothes. A paradox. "Edward Masen. I'm not dead. Am I about to be?"

I opened my mouth and closed it again, finally offering weakly, "Not tonight."

"But it'll be soon, then? Good." She shifted slightly, causing one arm to slide off her lap. "Don't look so surprised. Useless arm, useless leg, stuck in this bed or a chair getting waited on like an infant; and Henry…" Her voice shook then firmed. "I could tolerate anything with him by my side. I have little patience for all of this nonsense without him."

I stared at her wordlessly and tried to ignore Jasper, who was outside snickering at my expense. _I should have stayed back at the hotel—haven't had to do a thing. And you were so worried!_

Emilie focused on me again. "So, what's your story? Why do you look so young when I look like a two-days dead cat? You're older than I am!" She sounded offended. "You have a painting in your attic? And don't try to tell me you're dead."

"I… no, no painting." Though if I did, no doubt it would look worse than Dorian Gray's. "Why don't you think I'm dead?"

She scoffed, poking awkwardly at the controls on the bed, trying to raise it higher. Alice darted over and helped her. "Thank you, honey. I don't know who you are, but we'll get to that in a minute. As for you, Edward, you were raised in the same church I was so you should already know the answer. If you were dead, you'd either be in heaven or hell, not here on Earth, looking handsome as ever and visiting old ladies in the middle of the night. It is the middle of the night, yes?"

"Almost 3 AM."

"Thought so. Nobody leaves me alone in this place during the day. It's annoying. So, you're still alive. You've either found the Fountain of Youth, in which case I wish you'd come by fifty years ago, or you're not human."

Alice and I just gaped at her. Apparently even she hadn't seen that one coming.

"Well?"

"Not… not the Fountain of Youth," I admitted weakly.

Emilie closed her eyes, her mouth twisting a little. The three of us waited tensely for her reaction, and I could feel Jasper's gift coiled in his mind, waiting to burst forth. Her body started shaking, but I barely had time to panic before Jasper derailed it by laughing.

"Yes!" Emilie hissed, sounding so jubilant I half-expected her to punch her fist into the air. "Yes! I knew it! Oh, I wish Jack were here."

Her laughter all too soon turned into gasps and for a minute she struggled to catch her breath. She lay limply back against her pillow afterwards. Her heart was working too hard and her breath sounded raspy, but she was simply beaming at me, her eyes sparkling. "Oh Edward," she breathed, "thank you for coming to see me."

"I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me," I admitted, then asked a little caustically, "And how can you be happy that I'm not human?"

What was wrong with human girls? A rather elderly girl in this case, but still!

_I wish Emmett was here to see this_, Jasper thought, still in hysterics. _He's going to be so sorry he missed it!_

I told him to shut up at vampire pitch, but of course he didn't.

"Because I was right!" Emilie crowed breathlessly. "Nobody believed me. Oh, they knew that someone rescued me and brought me to the hospital, but they didn't believe it was you. 'Edward's in that hospital in Switzerland, dear, he's not here in Chicago. He's still very ill. His lungs, you know. It was just someone who looked like him.' But I knew it was you." A memory flashed through her mind, distressingly clear: my back pressed into a filthy corner, the expression on my face turning from dull despair to horror as I saw her. "I knew you recognized me. I insisted at first, demanded people listen to me, until Mama and Father began to whisper of a special doctor. Even then… it was Jack who stopped me talking about it, really."

She took a deep breath, her eyes and her mind far away. "He came into my room one day—I was home then, but still in a cast, and it was so boring. He would collect my lessons from my teachers and spend hours with me after he got home from school, playing games and helping me with my schoolwork. And one day I mentioned you…" _You believe me about Edward, don't you, Jack?_ "…and he got so angry. He said you hadn't saved me, that you couldn't have. Because if you were in Chicago you would have come to see him."

_He wouldn't leave me to worry about him! _Jack shrieked in our heads, making me flinch. _If he were well enough to be here he would answer my letters!_

Emilie looked at me and frowned. "Now, there's no reason to look like that. I didn't know until that day, but he'd been writing you, trying to contact you through your lawyer."

"I… I didn't know. I never got them."

_Carlisle said once that there's correspondence packed with your things—the letters may be there._

I reached out blindly and squeezed Alice's hand in thanks, beyond words. I was grateful when she didn't let go of my hand.

Emilie nodded sagely. "Figured as much. You would have at least written something, if you'd known. As time went by and you were still alive, but never wrote or came back… he didn't talk about it, but he knew something was wrong. He didn't say anything until after Helen died... you know about Helen? Such a tragic thing. I stayed with Jack for a few weeks after that, helping take care of Johnny until he could make arrangements. Poor little boy. He was just over a year old and wanted his mama so badly and he didn't understand—couldn't understand, as small as he was. It broke all our hearts."

She was quiet for a moment, lost in remembered grief. "Anyway, Jack came to me one day shortly before I went home… I had just gotten Johnny down for a nap and I was so weary. I was just standing staring out the window, and he came and stood next to me for the longest time, before telling me he'd written you two weeks earlier and you hadn't replied. And that something wasn't right. He asked if I was certain you were the one to save me years earlier and when I said I was he just nodded and repeated, 'Something isn't right.'

"We didn't talk about it again until shortly before he died. You'd supposedly just died yourself, your son inheriting your house, but no one had seen hide nor hair of either of you. He wanted to know what I thought had happened to you, and when I told him he just nodded."

_Only thing that makes sense_, aged Jack said in Emilie's head. He had that look about him that some elderly people get, when they begin to look almost childlike again. _You think he's really dead? Yeah, me neither_.

I blinked, slowly, but couldn't muster up any other reaction.

"What did you tell him?" Alice asked cautiously when she realized I couldn't reply.

"That something happened to Edward, and he wasn't human anymore."

"How?" I murmured. "How could you believe that?"

Emilie shrugged with her good shoulder. "How could I not? I thought about it a lot while I was recovering. Everyone was so insistent that it couldn't have been you, but I knew it was. And then there was the whole issue of you appearing to ignore Jack's letters—you being dead was the only thing that could explain that, but everyone was equally insistent you were alive. So I tried to make sense of it, and after a while I had to accept that there were too many unnatural things. The way you moved and the sounds you made, and the fight…"

Her voice trailed off and it was in her head, the movement blurred and confusing, mixed with the hisses and growls and the screeching of vampire flesh getting torn apart.

"At first I thought I just didn't remember it clearly, and maybe I don't remember all of it, but what I did remember was clear and it was so confusing. And the other one," her voice dripped with loathing, "he was so strong. Too strong, but you were strong enough to beat him. Stronger than you should have been, sick or not. So I made a list of all the details and tried to think it out logically, like you and Jack taught me that last summer. And the only thing that made sense was that you had been changed in some way, had been made super-human, or something, and you legitimately couldn't come home anymore."

She nestled her head deeper into the pillow, looking exhausted yet smug.

I finally let go of Alice's hand, since I needed mine back to pinch the bridge of my nose. Alice fought giggles. "You mean to tell me that you used _logic_ to deduce that I was an inhuman creature? How is that possibly a logical conclusion?"

"I don't know if it truly was logical, exactly," Emilie said reflectively, "but it was still the most logical explanation. And what was it you two taught me? Aristotle, I think, about preferring the probable impossible to the improbably possible. It should have been impossible, but it was more likely than all of the possible things, so…"

"Clearly, we taught you wrong," I muttered.

Alice gave up and started laughing quietly.

"I'd say you taught me fine, since I was right." A beatific smile spread across her face, undimmed by the droop of one side. "I was right. This is so satisfying."

I rolled my eyes at all of them, including Jasper, who had started snickering again. He couldn't see me do it, but I didn't care.

Emilie sighed happily. "So. I have a question. No, two questions. That man," the venom in her voice left no doubt of whom she was speaking, "was he the Dr. Cullen who was supposed to have taken you to Switzerland?"

"No," I replied, startled, though it was a perfectly sensible question. "No, he… he had…" I wasn't sure how much to tell her, or where to even begin.

Alice stepped in smoothly. "He stole Edward away from Dr. Cullen. Edward was too ill to realize what was happening."

Emilie nodded. "Okay, good. That leads me to my next question: who are you, honey?"

"I'm Alice," she answered simply, leaving any further explanations up to me.

I looked between the two women, one appearing so youthful despite sharing a birth year with me and the other soon to be old no longer. "Alice is my sister. I found Dr. Cullen just a few months ago. She's also part of his family."

Alice beamed and quivered as though she wanted to bounce or clap or _something_, while Emilie looked intrigued. "So he's adopted you?"

"In a manner of speaking. It's not a legal adoption, of course, or in any way traditional, but…"

"But it's still a family," Emilie concluded. "Good. I wouldn't like to think you were going to be alone."

"Yes," was all I said, but she must have seen something on my face or heard it in my voice.

"Been alone a lot, have you?"

"Yes." Her mind was nowhere near as frail as her body, and it was working, trying to make sense of everything. "Please don't try to figure it all out."

Her eyes sharpened. "No one's supposed to know. Well, I guess I knew that already what with you disappearing the way you did. Why did you come see me, then? Taking quite a risk, aren't you?"

Alice and I exchanged glances before I replied haltingly, "It's a bit of a risk, yes. But I needed to see, make sure… I knew a little about your life, but… I needed to see for myself that I hadn't ruined it."

Her face was confused. "Edward, what on earth are you talking about? You saved me from that… person, and brought me to the hospital."

"I should have done it… better somehow. You were a little girl. You shouldn't have had to see that."

She stared at me for a long moment before saying abruptly, "I used to have nightmares."

I flinched.

She pointed a finger at me. "Stop that and listen. Yes, I had nightmares. Long after I stopped dreaming about what that monster did to me, I had nightmares about the look on your face when I tried to get away from you. I would wake up crying, because I couldn't go back and change it. You know the first thing I did, when I woke up in the hospital and remembered what happened? I asked where you were so I could apologize. I've wanted to apologize for so long, and when you came here I nearly forgot to do it! Don't get old, Edward." Her eyes brightened. "Ha! You're the first person I've said that to who really won't have to."

"You… Emilie, you were nine. You were injured and scared, and I was…" I shook my head, remembering the long-ago image of my face through her eyes, lips pulled back in a snarl and venom running down my chin. "You were right to be afraid of me. You shouldn't feel sorry for it."

"Well, then, you shouldn't feel sorry for doing what you had to do to save me. Really, Edward, what were you supposed to do? Politely ask the beast to join you in the next room for a fight to the death?"

Alice giggled at that, her mind conjuring a scene of me bowing dramatically to Tredan while I called him out. With an English accent, no less. She must watch too many movies.

"Don't waste your time with this," Emilie continued seriously. "I've been too thankful you saved me to worry about how you did it. My only regret was that I hurt you."

"I hope you won't worry about that any longer," I replied with equal gravity. "And thank you. I'll try."

"I'm so sorry," Alice interrupted regretfully. "Edward, we need to get going." _There will be a nurse making rounds in half an hour. Emilie needs time to settle down after we leave or the nurse might get suspicious that someone was here and mention it to the family._

"So soon? Ah well, if you must, you must. Come give me a hug, Edward. It's been far too long since I had one from you."

I obliged, so aware of the fragile skin and bones beneath my fingers.

"You too, honey," Emilie commanded, much to Alice's delight.

"You'll be happy?" she asked me as we moved away from her bed.

I thought of Bella, and the Cullens, and being freed from a life of murder. "Yes, I will."

"Good." Her eyes widened as Alice opened the window and slipped gracefully through. "What, you're going out my window? I have a perfectly good door, you know."

I winked at her and teased, "I'm not human, remember? I can go out the window if I want."

Emilie's chortling laughter followed me out, and I smiled as I silently dropped the three stories to the ground.

.

.

.

We had very little conversation on the journey back to the hotel, but the silence was peaceful. Carlisle and Esme were curled up in much the same position Bella and I were in earlier, and they looked up hopefully as we let ourselves into the suite.

"Ah, you're back. All go well?"

"Very well," I replied, feeling lighter than I could ever remember being. "Alice and Jasper can fill you in, if you don't mind. I'd like to go be with Bella."

"Of course we don't mind, Edward," Esme said in her gentle voice. "Alice looks like she's bursting to tell us all about it anyway."

Alice was back to quivering again. I rolled my eyes and she stuck her tongue out at me.

"Oh, Edward," Carlisle called out before I reached the closed bedroom door, "before you go, where are we off to later this morning?"

Four faces were turned to me wearing nearly identical expectant expressions, and I knew if Emmett and Rosalie were there he would be looking at me the same way. Only she would be different—she would be inspecting her manicure and mentally castigating me for taking so long to answer. Paradoxically, the thought made me smile.

Alice began grinning madly as I realized there was really only one place I wanted to go.

"Actually, if no one has any objection, I'd really like to go home."

Carlisle blinked slowly, not appearing to notice as Esme's hand squeezed convulsively around his arm. He cleared his throat, the unnecessary human action making my smile wider. "I'm sure none of us has any objection."

"Of course not," Esme whispered shakily.

Alice's giggles were like bells and Jasper sighed in contentment, basking in our emotions. I slipped through the door, into the bedroom I shared with my Bella.

She stirred as I lay down with her, uttering a long string of incomprehensible gibberish. Perhaps it was a question, because she ended with what sounded like "…kay?"

"Yes, love," I murmured into her hair. "Everything's okay."

* * *

**A/N: So sorry this took so long. Only one chapter and an epilogue left.**


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